Tuesday, May 1, 2012
As I have mentioned a couple times previously, I have trichotillomania. Though I try to pretend like it doesn't affect me too much, I am faking it. I honestly struggle with it every day.
It is the worst when I am stressed. Last year, after all my crazy life drama, I pulled out almost every single eyelash and eyebrow.
I feel like every time the seasons change, I also go through some life changes. This year, I'm not stressing about big stuff-- but instead it's lots of little stuff. I've got things going on at work (good stress, but stress none-the-less), I'm preparing for my best friend's wedding in Oklahoma in a week, I've started getting more serious about my blog, and I'm also trying to get in shape for summer. All of that is compounding into one big lump of stress that is really beginning to get to me.
The title "pulling back" in this case has a double-meaning. Yes, my pulling has become more frequent (hence, the pulling is "back"), and I've also created a couple sparse patches in my eyebrows and eyelashes that I really have to work at to cover.
Pulling back also signifies what I've been doing with my friends. As I pull, I begin to feel more self-conscious because I don't feel like my eyebrows or eyelashes look right, and I feel as though everyone is staring at me (which I've been informed they're usually not)... but still.
Each Tuesday, I go to acupuncture for my trich. 2 weeks ago, my acupunturist told me that the way he treats me for my pulling is the same exact way he treats someone with a heroin addiction. Did you read that? He treats my trichotillomania the same way he treats a heroin addict. No-- my trichotillomania won't kill me, but it IS an addiction. I have a legitimate issue with brain chemistry that makes me desire to pull out my eyelashes and eyebrows. It's SO HARD to resist the urge.
Sunday, I skipped church. Honestly, I decided not to go because of all the eyelashes I had pulled the evening before while watching TV. I didn't want my new group of friends to see me with bare patches. I don't want them to know about my trichotillomania. I was embarrassed.
It was only after I skipped church that I realized the huge mistake I made. Instead of skipping church, it should be that moment immediately after I pull when I make the decision that I NEED to go to church. Pulling back from God during the times when I'm most stressed and at my pulling-worst is not what I'm supposed to do. In fact, I should instead be praying and seeking God more often. His love is what I need most in times like these.
So right now, and for the next little bit, each time I pray, I will be reaching out to God to ask him to help me to stop pulling. Maybe each time I feel like I want to pull, that should be when I should begin praying. I want to get rid of this "pulling back" and not only work on strengthening my relationship with Christ and my trusting and loving new relationship with my friends from church, but I also really want to be able to say "NO, I DON'T SUFFER FROM TRICH ANYMORE."
Each day is a small step in that direction. And I'm officially taking the first step. Right. This. Very. Moment... No. More. Pulling. Back.
// MORE SAUCE