As I have mentioned a couple times previously, I have trichotillomania. Though I try to pretend like it doesn't affect me too much, I am faking it. I honestly struggle with it every day.
It is the worst when I am stressed. Last year, after all my crazy life drama, I pulled out almost every single eyelash and eyebrow.
I feel like every time the seasons change, I also go through some life changes. This year, I'm not stressing about big stuff-- but instead it's lots of little stuff. I've got things going on at work (good stress, but stress none-the-less), I'm preparing for my best friend's wedding in Oklahoma in a week, I've started getting more serious about my blog, and I'm also trying to get in shape for summer. All of that is compounding into one big lump of stress that is really beginning to get to me.
The title "pulling back" in this case has a double-meaning. Yes, my pulling has become more frequent (hence, the pulling is "back"), and I've also created a couple sparse patches in my eyebrows and eyelashes that I really have to work at to cover.
Pulling back also signifies what I've been doing with my friends. As I pull, I begin to feel more self-conscious because I don't feel like my eyebrows or eyelashes look right, and I feel as though everyone is staring at me (which I've been informed they're usually not)... but still.
Each Tuesday, I go to acupuncture for my trich. 2 weeks ago, my acupunturist told me that the way he treats me for my pulling is the same exact way he treats someone with a heroin addiction. Did you read that? He treats my trichotillomania the same way he treats a heroin addict. No-- my trichotillomania won't kill me, but it IS an addiction. I have a legitimate issue with brain chemistry that makes me desire to pull out my eyelashes and eyebrows. It's SO HARD to resist the urge.
Sunday, I skipped church. Honestly, I decided not to go because of all the eyelashes I had pulled the evening before while watching TV. I didn't want my new group of friends to see me with bare patches. I don't want them to know about my trichotillomania. I was embarrassed.
It was only after I skipped church that I realized the huge mistake I made. Instead of skipping church, it should be that moment immediately after I pull when I make the decision that I NEED to go to church. Pulling back from God during the times when I'm most stressed and at my pulling-worst is not what I'm supposed to do. In fact, I should instead be praying and seeking God more often. His love is what I need most in times like these.
So right now, and for the next little bit, each time I pray, I will be reaching out to God to ask him to help me to stop pulling. Maybe each time I feel like I want to pull, that should be when I should begin praying. I want to get rid of this "pulling back" and not only work on strengthening my relationship with Christ and my trusting and loving new relationship with my friends from church, but I also really want to be able to say "NO, I DON'T SUFFER FROM TRICH ANYMORE."
Each day is a small step in that direction. And I'm officially taking the first step. Right. This. Very. Moment... No. More. Pulling. Back.
44 comments:
Annaliese stay strong. I know you can do it! I'm not sure if would help or maybe you are already doing it but have you thought about talking to a professional? Maybe they can help you dig deeper in to why you're pulling?
http://www.lyzhang.com
You can do it pretty lady! Bare spots or not, you're beautiful. Inside and out you're beautiful and you can beat it! You're strong <3
You are so strong to share this! Hang in there and keep fighting the good fight! Is this something that can be managed?
It's hard sometimes, especially in a new setting, to put yourself out there. Addition is a tough tough tough thing to break.
Hang in there and keep praying. I'll pray for you too!
You are so brave to put yourself out there like this. I'm a newer reader of your blog. I didn't realize you had that condition. I've never heard of it actually, but I think I can understand it a little.
The times we pull away from God are usually the times we need Him the most. Hang in there and keep praying. I'll be praying for you too :)
You can do this!!
I thought of two things when I read your post
1. I believe it's our imperfections that make us beautiful. Where we are less, HE is more. our shortcomings and weaknesses only allow us to be transparent and display God's grace to others. Christ is my favorite part of me 2 Corinthians 12: 9-10 “But HE said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in your weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in my weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”
2. 1 Peter 3:3 "Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes." The Lord made fruits and vegetables with beautiful, rich colors. He clothed the fields with wild flowers. He painted the sky with rainbows and majestic sunsets. The Lord has an appreciation for beautiful things, and since we are made in His image, we do as well. But we are not only made to appreciate style and beautiful things…we should not let it define our worth that was displayed for us on the cross. My prayer is that this truth will ring louder than any in style magazine or lies the media has to offer. :)
Give it all to God, He will give you the strength you need to overcome all things! You're in my prayers!
It's true! My brother is a heroin addict and part of him getting sober is getting acupuncture. Embrace your loved ones & God. They are the ones who can help pull you through the tough times. ;)
Thank you for sharing this. It is so true that when we want to hide the most, that is when we most need christian community and Christ! It is easy to want to hide in shame when we do things we wish we didn't but it is so encouraging to be loved anyways...it almost makes up for it all.
May you be so blessed this week as you chose to be with people and a God who loves you.
aunie... it takes so much courage to be so open. hang in there! you are a beautiful, beautiful soul. don't let stress crush your spirit!
As a new-ish reader of yours, let me say that I had no idea that this was a part of your life. Your blog is so great and you are beautiful and I look up to you as a woman whom I admire and from the outside it looks like you have it all!
I am praying for you that you get some respite from your pulling and that you are able to turn to God and HIS love when you need Him and It most!
Be strong and know that you have tons of adoring readers and fans to turn to when you need us!
Feel free to send me an email or tweet or anything if you want when you find yourself in a moment of weakness- I am happy to be a go-to person for you and I understand that everyone has weak moments when you need distraction. And do NOT hesitate!!
-Liz
As a new-ish reader of yours, let me say that I had no idea that this was a part of your life. Your blog is so great and you are beautiful and I look up to you as a woman whom I admire and from the outside it looks like you have it all!
I am praying for you that you get some respite from your pulling and that you are able to turn to God and HIS love when you need Him and It most!
Be strong and know that you have tons of adoring readers and fans to turn to when you need us!
Feel free to send me an email or tweet or anything if you want when you find yourself in a moment of weakness- I am happy to be a go-to person for you and I understand that everyone has weak moments when you need distraction. And do NOT hesitate!!
-Liz
As a new-ish reader of yours, let me say that I had no idea that this was a part of your life. Your blog is so great and you are beautiful and I look up to you as a woman whom I admire and from the outside it looks like you have it all!
I am praying for you that you get some respite from your pulling and that you are able to turn to God and HIS love when you need Him and It most!
Be strong and know that you have tons of adoring readers and fans to turn to when you need us!
Feel free to send me an email or tweet or anything if you want when you find yourself in a moment of weakness- I am happy to be a go-to person for you and I understand that everyone has weak moments when you need distraction. And do NOT hesitate!!
-Liz
Praying for you, sweet sister. I can't even begin to understand the emotional pain that comes with this hardship. I would highly suggest the book Breaking Free by Beth Moore. Beth Moore is a wonderful Christian author and speaker and is so in love with the Lord. Check the book out, http://www.amazon.com/Breaking-Free-Making-Liberty-Reality/dp/0805422943/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1335907407&sr=8-1 I pray God uses it in your life.
Love, Cara
How undeniably brave to share something so personal! I don't know what it is like to have an addiction that I can name. I love how you use the term pulling back...I have done that with the Lord at times or sometimes for even a day or two. I always feel that emptiness when I haven't relied on him. I will pray for the Lord to give you more peace and continued healing. Thank you for sharing your honest heart.
I am truly inspired by your story. It's so brave of you to share this personal moment with so many people. Stay strong and you will pull through!
What a great idea to pray when you get that urge. Relying on God is a great way to overcome addictions. I'm going to be praying for you as well!
You're such a strong girl... And to share all of this with us, makes you that much stronger! Hang in there & I hope everything looks up for you soon. My quote for today is "I"m too blessed to be stressed". Maybe you can make it your quote of the day, too :)
xoxo
Kristen
Annelise, thank you for being so open and honest. You are so rift, those moments of struggle and weakness are when we need God the most. And one of the tools God has given us is the body of Christ. When we struggle we need godly believers around us to encourage us, to intercede for us in prayer, and to love us. I am praying for you!
Alesha <3
Annelise, you are such a wonderful person with a beautiful heart. I may not know you personally, but I can tell by the way you write with such honesty and optimism. We all seem to have highs and lows with this condition, soon you'll feel in control of the stress in your life and not have that urge. I really admire how brave you are to pour your heart out for everyone to see. One day I hope I'll be able to reveal my secret is trich, too. Thanks for keeping me strong with your writing!
In Jesus we are more than conquerors!! (Check out Phillipians 4:13 ;)
By the way you loook beautiful in your pictures!!♥
You can do it gorgeous :) Stay strong and just remember to turn toward God! I'm behind you 100% and if you ever need to talk i'm all ears :)
Happy Tuesday lovely!
I think it's really great that you are able to share this. I really am hopeful that you are able to 'pull back' from this and move forward. You seem like you have the strength so don't let those moments of weakness get you too down. I'm rooting for you.
Hugs to you girl! I'm glad you have this space to get encouragement and to connect with others. The blogging community is so amazing. Good for you for dealing with it and being so strong! Good luck, and I will keep you in my thoughts! You can do it! :)
You are brave and beautiful. Thank you for sharing. Stay strong!
Such a great post Annaliese. Thank you for being so amazing!
You are not the first person I heard of having this. I am really sorry you half to suffer with this. I really wish you didn't or anyone else. I read one before that you had this but I would have never guest! I have a real bad thing with biting my nails. I cannot resist it and it is a terrible urge. I literally half to have them 'bitten down' (what my doctor calls it) to a certain way. It is so terrible and ugly. You can do it Aunie.
I have depression/ anxiety and when I'm going through a bad spell is when I skip church because of how I am feeling. Just like you, I know that is when I am in most need of church. Even though God is not restrained to the church building, it is so important to spend that time with Him!
I'm a new reader, but have really enjoyed getting to know you the last few weeks on your blog. I will pray for you when I am driving to church it will be my reminder.
hey sweetheart, good thought are with you and being sent from nashville!
grace
http://herumbrella.com
Aunie, I'd like to say thank yu for dropping by my blog and leaving a sweet comment.. I really appreciate it.
I'm with you in this no pulling back mission. i can relate to you even though our circumstances are different and i believe the same thing, it is in times that we fall that we need God's love even more even though we feel we don't deserve it.
Annelise you are an amazing and beautiful woman! One day at a time my friend and God is there with you every step of the way.
I think we all have some addiction inside of us.. whether it be noticeable or not. Either way, you have a lot of courage to share it with everyone. I believe we are given these challenges for a reason.. to learn from, to grow from, to shape our character, and to show others that it's possible to live through. You really are an inspiration, my dear. I hope you know that <3
Thank you for being so open about your struggles. I think there is something that all of us struggle with in our lives that causes us to pull back. I'm pretty sure there is a quote about when you find yourself not wanting to go to church is when you find yourself needing to go the most. Dont let ANYTHING stand in the way of you growing in this beautiful journey you're on. I love that you are going to turn tric on its head and instead of being triggered to pull let the triggers trigger your prayer. Love ya!
Just stay strong. I'm sure since you've read some of my blogs that you know I suffer from mental illness as well (severe anxiety, panic attacks, etc). More people than you know deal with it, it happens. I know that doesn't make you feel better, but think of those people in church. I'm sure quite a few of them have some type of mental illness. Unfortunately, it's more common than people realize. By the way, the first thing I see when I look at someone isn't their eyelashes :) Heck, you can't even see mine. If you're feeling extra nervous about it, wear your glasses and no one will see your eyelashes. You are not alone. No one mental illness is better than the other, but you aren't alone and you can beat it. I think it's a good idea that you pray if you feel like pulling. It's kind of like my panic attacks, I have to focus on something else to get the original thought to go away. It's possible!
You can do it! The enemy is the one that tells us to withdraw when we need the community most! I've been victim to his lies, too. He usually tells me I'm not welcome in a group, so I remove myself and convince myself the others in the group don't want me there, anyway. I confessed this to a small group leader recently, and the love and support I got after the talk we had was so worth baring myself and the discomfort of being transparent and vulnerable for a while about it! I'm praying for you this morning. *hugs*
I'm always impressed that you approach something so difficult with such grace. Know that while I don't have Trich, I've had other demons, but strength will pull you through. You are so beautiful because of your honesty, your conviction, your heart, and your smile.
I had no idea about Trich until your post. You talk about it with such an honest approach I am amazed with your strength. You are pretty great and your blog just got like 100 times even better than it already was in my eyes!
Taylor
www.thedailytay.com
You so inspire me! Thanks for this :)
My husband is dealing with Trich. He twisted his hair out when he was young, dealing with his parents' divorce. Having high anxiety lately with having his mother back in his life, and his father's disapproval of that...it brought it all back. He's been at it for the last year & some months, and I'd never, in our 8 years together, seen him do it before. I find it fascinating to hear peoples' stories, but I liked hearing your relating this to "pulling back." Thanks for sharing!
My husband is dealing with Trich. He twisted his hair out when he was young, dealing with his parents' divorce. Having high anxiety lately with having his mother back in his life, and his father's disapproval of that...it brought it all back. He's been at it for the last year & some months, and I'd never, in our 8 years together, seen him do it before. I find it fascinating to hear peoples' stories, but I liked hearing your relating this to "pulling back." Thanks for sharing!
I'm sorry to hear that you are having a rough time girl. I personally don't know much about trich or any other addiction for that matter. But I do suffer from anxiety and depression and I get self-conscious sometimes when I'm with my friends...like I don't fit in...or I'm not normal.
It sparks my interest that you get acupuncture for your trich. I would have never though of that as a treatment option. I'm glad it's working for you.
I hope things get better for you and I'm here if you need to talk!!
<3 Jamie
I hope it helps you feel better and that you know that is simply one piece of you. It doesn't define you. I agree it's an addiction/compulsion (& I get it...truly).
Stress sucks, but God is amazing! Just know that I back you, and support you 100%, but God backs and supports you 1000%! Lean on Him and give Him your burdens because He is willing to take them (talk about an awesome friend!)! You will get through this because you are one of the strongest most amazing people I know! Praying for you friend! <3
Prayers are said!!
XXO
Fellow puller. I know exactly what you are going through. I haven't blogged about mine yet, in fact, I don't talk about it all that much. But maybe I should.
Thanks for posting about this! Following you via GFC.
Julie
www.jamscorner.com
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