Scarf: Ross // Shorts: Nordstrom Rack // Flower Ring & Silver Necklace: Premier Design // Leather Bracelet and Ring: c/o Payton Woodcraft
I feel a change stirring inside of me.
Maybe it's just this time of year. Summer.
Maybe it's just me.
But I don't think so.
I know I'm not the same person I was five years ago.
I feel like I'm not even the same person I was five months ago.
I see things differently now.
I know it's the Lord.
He is changing me.
I am not as loud as I used to be.
Not as outspoken.
Not desiring to be the center of attention.
I feel much more withdrawn.
From everyone and everything.
I listen more now.
I feel more, think more deeply.
I also take a lot more to heart. I feel hurt easily.
I am also more conscious of the hurt I cause... and try not to cause any at all.
While I try to embrace this change, I can't help but wonder why.
God, what is the reason for these changes?
What am I getting out of this?
Who do you want me to be?
My whole life, I've always been the one to try to stand out of the crowd.
The cheer captain.
The fastest 400 runner on our team.
The smartest person in class.
The loudest person at the party.
The die-hard gym athlete.
The one who has her whole life put together in this pretty, perfect little package.
But now, I feel as though none of that matters.
I don't care if I'm the best, the brightest, the most popular.
I just want to be me.
And right now I feel as though I don't always know who that is.
I want to not only be me, but I want to be there for others.
I want to be a good friend—one that people can trust and talk to.
I want to be an example—to strangers or family. I haven't been there like I should have for my brother and sister. And I can tell that they have had a hard time adjusting to my mistakes. I don't want to be the perfect older sister. I just want to be a good sister.
I want to be a wonderful wife. I'm not sure when it's going to happen, but I want it so badly. I want to be the best friend, the lover, the one that his family always prayed for. I want to be the wife who he comes home to each night. The wife who can cook a decent meal. The wife who actually runs the vacuum once in a while. The wife who he is proud to call his wife. I have never felt a love like I feel right now for my Daniel. I try so hard to do everything for him. I just hope I'm doing it right.
And someday, I want to be a mom. Maybe. You know what? I say "maybe," but I think it's all a ploy. I will be a mother. And a darn good one. When the time is right, it will be right.
There is a change within me.
I pray to God every day that I soon realize what that change is.
What it means.
Who I will be.
Where I will go.
Who I will meet, help, inspire.
As long as He is holding my hand along the way, I know I am in good hands.