Monday, August 20, 2012

say what you need to say.


While driving to work this morning,
I popped in the mix tape that Daniel made for me last July.
The CD instantly stirred my emotions...
Memories.
Especially the "young love"
that you always feel for that special someone right in the beginning.

It's amazing how one small song, one little lyric,
can bring it all back.
As soon as "Say" by John Mayer started filtering through the speakers,
I knew what I wanted to write about today.

I know I'm not perfect.
I know I don't always set the best example.
I know that I make mistakes.
But I'm in a better place today because of all of that.

I remember hearing "Say" last year, during all that pain and strife,
and knowing that all I could do was to say what I needed to say.
And I did.
I told everyone what I needed to say.
What was on my heart.
What was really going on inside of me.

It was the hardest decision I've ever had to make in my life.
It was the most hurt I'd ever caused anyone...
... and everyone.
But it was the best decision.
And even as my hands were shaking,
my faith was broken,
I did it with a heart wide open.

I guess the reason I'm sharing this today is to say that if you have something,
anything,
that you need to say,
don't hold it back.

Don't tell yourself that you "should" be happy.
BE happy.
And if you need to make a change to get there,
do it.

Making a change,
no matter how big or small
is not something that comes easily.

And maybe what you need to say isn't even something that needs to be said to others.
Maybe you need to say it to yourself.
Say it to God.
Let yourself be forgiven.

Take a moment to reflect.
Take a moment to look inside yourself.
Take a moment to realize what it is...
and say what you need to say.

"Take out of your wasted honor  
Every little past frustration  
Take all your so called problems  
Better put them in quotations
 

Say what you need to say  

Walkin' like a one man army  

Fightin' with the shadows in your head  
Livin' up the same old moment  
Knowin' you’d be better off instead 
If you could only
 

Say what you need to say  

Have no fear for givin' in  

Have no fear for givin' over  
You better know that in the end  
It's better to say too much  
Than to never to say what you need to say again
 

Even if your hands are shakin'  
And your faith is broken  
Even as the eyes are closin'  
Do it with a heart wide open  
A wide heart
 

Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say

"Say" - John Mayer


Aunie Sauce

Thursday, August 16, 2012

You LOOK Happy.

Top: Francesca's (similar) // Pants & Purse: TJ Maxx // Shoes: Target // Earrings: Premier Design // Bracelet: c/o Payton Woodcraft // Photos: Taylor Love Studios

Yesterday, I enjoyed lunch with my former Boise State advisor.
Though I still call her "Doctor,"
I don't still think of her as my advisor.
She is a friend, a support, and my mentor.

We get together every so often to discuss life, my job, what's new—
and yesterday was no different.
As we munched on our bagel sandwiches, the minutes went by so fast.

We talked about my job and how sometimes I feel like I'm in a rut.
I got my degree in Health Education and Promotion, and my full-time job is philanthropy
for a non-profit hospital.
I deal with money and donations all day, every day.
While going to school, I always said that I never wanted to do fundraising.
Now, it's my 40-hour-a-week full-time focus.
I told her I'd love to do community health, employee health, any kind of health promotion.
I told her I'd love to be a full-time blogger, but it just doesn't make sense right now.
My job, though sometimes tedious, is a wonderful job.
Good pay, amazing benefits, an office to myself, and a group of ladies who couldn't be sweeter.

We talked about my new life.
The life I found after my last relationship and since I've found God.
I don't know if she is a Christian or not.
I don't know what her beliefs are.
But she listened to me.
She listened as I told her about the people who still haunt me with my past.
She gave me advice about how to not let their words or actions hurt me.
She listened as I told her about my personal struggles,
and how forgiving myself for my actions was the hardest thing I've had to do. 
She listened as I told her about the "new love" I have come to know.
Especially with Daniel.

We talked about Daniel.
Oh, did we talk about Daniel.
We talked about how the love he shows me is so different than any love I've seen before.
We talked about his strength, and how hard we both had to work to overcome
all of the challenges during the last year.
We talked about some of my frustrations with him, which is really only one,
and yes, Daniel, it's your little bit of involuntary sarcasm that pokes right at my heartstrings.
But we mostly just talked about how much I'm in love with him.

We talked about all of the AMAZING that is right now.
Amazing opportunities.
Amazing adventures.
Amazing plans ahead.

As we walked out of the bagel shop and said our goodbyes,
she said one thing to me that really made a difference.
She said,
"You look happy."

That was so reassuring.
I am so grateful that she said that.

Through everything I've been through over the last year and a half,
ups, downs,
marriage and divorce,
drastic weight loss and weight gain,
hurting so many of the people who surround me,
as well as myself,
I didn't look happy.
I looked sad. Alone. Lost.

Now, that has all changed.
And let me tell you,
I don't just look happy.
I am happy.

Aunie Sauce

Monday, August 6, 2012

Fears


This past week I did a lot of thinking.
Maybe it was my insecurities talking to me,
but I think I just mostly had some thoughts.

I started thinking about some of my fears.
Some are really quite real.
Some are so insignificant that it is annoying.
And unfortunately, either way, they still bother me.

So, I thought, maybe if I get them out,
and just vent a little,
maybe I'll feel better, and not worry so much?

I don't mean to be a worrier.
Ever.
But I do.
Guilty as charged.

Some things I fear?
Here we go.

Swimming.
No, not just swimming.
I don't have a fear of water... unless Jaws is in town.
And it doesn't apply to just swimming. 
It's swimming/sweating/rubbing my face/floating the river/wearing NO makeup.
My fear is because of my trichotillomania.
It's the fear of swimming and having my brow powder get washed away.
I now have a nice, full set of eyelashes.
But my eyebrows are still quite sparse and I have to fill them in every day.
Even if I don't do a single other bit of makeup, I do my eyebrows.
To me, they don't look good if they're not filled in.
They look thin and patchy.
I'm honestly still embarrassed of them.
But I'm making a conscious effort to work on them every day.
I'm not even tweezing anymore in an effort to just leave them alone.
I go to auricular acupuncture once a week and now get my brows waxed.
Slowly and surely, I will be confident about my eyebrows again.
I know it sounds like such a silly thing.
But to me—it's not.

Driving.
In May, I got rear-ended on my way home from work.
I wasn't injured, and the damage was slight.
I was lucky enough to have a friendly guy who hit me and who was very quick to have his insurance cover my damages.
But now?
I get scared.
I don't like driving home on the freeway in Boise,
the Flying Wye to be specific.
It's a place where 3 portions of the freeway all merge into one, and at 5:15pm it's usually very busy.
I know that Boise is no Seattle or L.A.
But Boise is where I was hit.
This past Saturday, I was going through an automated car wash.
The lifted Jeep in front of me slammed on their brakes in the middle of the car wash
(you're NOT supposed to do that)
and they ended up on top of my hood.
Rubbing and cosmetic damage were the result.
Needless to say, the person took off.
I was in shock.
I didn't know what to do.
And at first, I didn't see any damage.
It wasn't until the next day that we noticed it.
So today I have to march right on down to the police department and file a claim.
This kind of stuff terrifies me.
Wrecks. Injuries. Driving. Confrontation.
I just don't love driving right now.

Losing Daniel. 
I think this is seeded deep within me and is something I just can't let go of.
I love him with all my heart.
To me, he is perfect.
I don't want to sound like a needy, obsessive girlfriend,
because it's not like that.
I think it has to do with my own past actions.
I never thought I would do what I once did to another person.
And while I know that Daniel would never, ever hurt me, I still get fearful.
It's at those times that I pray.
Not for him, because I know he loves me more than he ever knew he could love another person.
I pray for myself and for a clear conscious, to be less worrisome, and that I can stop letting the past creep back into my mind.
I just have so much love to share with him, and I can't imagine him never being by my side.
He's my best friend. Forever.

I know that none of these fears should even bother me.
Why do I lament something that isn't imminent?
That isn't going to happen?
That really needs to cause me no worry?

Because I'm me.
Fears and all.
On My Heart Posts

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

50 Shades of Aunie


Every day I feel like I'm learning a little bit more about myself.

What makes me tick.
What I can improve.
What I'm good at (volleyball, apparently).
What I'm bad at (also volleyball, sometimes).
What I like and don't like.
How I feel about certain topics.
How my actions, opinions, and feelings affect others.
How I am affected by the actions and feelings of others.
Why I act in a certain way, or say certain things.
Why I have certain feelings.
Why I think the way I do.

And each day as I reflect back, the answer is so clear:
I'm not perfect.

In fact, it's more than that.
I'm not above anyone else.
I don't have golden standards.
I make mistakes.

And you know what?
All of that is OK.

How do I learn if I don't make mistakes?
Trust me, I make a lot of them.
Each. and. every. day.

What I work so hard to do is move on from those mistakes.
They are in the past.
I can't change them.
But I can learn from them and move forward.
Each day is a new day, why stew on them and lament the past?
I don't do that.
Not anymore, anyways.

But what I don't need?
I don't need to be reminded of those mistakes.
I don't need to be reminded of the past...
and the bad decisions I made.
Everything happens for a reason.
And everything I have done has brought me to where I am today.
And I am so proud of the person I am today.
I like me.
I like the changes I've made.
And as I said before, I'm always figuring out what to do better next time.

Yesterday I got called out for being "me."
In public.
In front of friends.
And then more privately, as I tried to go directly to the source.
I was reminded by this person of all that I've done wrong.
And like a ton of bricks, it dropped me.
Literally. To the ground.
If I am able to move forward, change by life, and try to be a better person,
why can't others just let it go?
I get it.
I messed up.
But that was over a year ago.
I have risen up from that old self.
I am NOT the same person.
And as I have said before, I am NOT perfect.

As I found myself broken and hurting yesterday,
I was reminded by my best friend that I don't need to be affected by this.
Every person is entitled to their own opinions.
They can think whatever they want.
For instance, if I don't want to love the book 50 Shades of Grey, I don't have to.
But my sister? She loved it. And that's totally fine.
In fact, I think that probably 50% of the female population is all about that book right now. And if that's what you like—then read it! It's OK!
If one of my closest, favorite, most awesome family members does not think I'm a good person,
that's OK, too.
And I need to learn and teach myself that I do not need to be hurt by their feelings.
As one of my friends pointed out yesterday, would life not be so boring if we all had the same opinions?

Is it weird to think about the whole
"sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can never hurt me" mantra?
For me, words can be hurtful...
but they don't need to be.
It takes a lot of strength to bear words that feel like swords,
slashing and breaking you down.
And while I don't have all of that strength quite yet,
I'm still learning, right?

So as I move forward,
still finding out more about myself each day,
I just need to remember to give thanks.
I expect to be doing a lot more learning every day... for the rest of my life.
And as often as I claim to be the girl of "not's,"
my greatest "not" of all is that I am NOT perfect.
Nor will I ever be, no matter how hard I try.
So instead, I'll just be me.
If you're with me, then praise you,
because sometimes, you'll have to deal with my garbage, my emotions, and my mistakes.
But it means more to me than you will ever know.

And to that best friend, the one who is always there and supportive, thank you...
Daniel, I don't know what I'd do without you.

So tell me—what are YOU learning about yourself? What's one of your 50 shades?

Aunie Sauce

Monday, July 16, 2012

Critical.


It's overcast and a little rainy in Boise today.
Instead of sunshine, it's a little dim.
The weather is matching my mood.

I've been told I'm a critical person.
In fact, I've heard this more than once.

I think it's because I've been through so much, and I always look for the best in any situation.
I also think it's because I've been hurt before... and in some way I'm protecting my heart.

Lately it seems my feelings are so vulnerable.
I seem to feel down for hardly any reason at all.
I get sad often, and cry often, too.

Yesterday, our service was about the topic encouragement.
I thought about this a lot yesterday.

I'm so grateful for each of you. You encourage me daily in your comments and emails.
My parents encourage me.
Daniel encourages me.

But sometimes... it isn't quite enough.
A little change in tone, distracted body language, and actions that don't follow their words say
so much more to me 
than words.

So, if I'm being critical,
maybe it's just because I'm noticing what's actually going on...
what's happening...
what's falling into place.

I guess the whole point of this post is going nowhere.
I think I just needed to take a couple moments to write,
to get it out.
It's Monday... I should be super peppy today... but instead I'm feeling so pensive.

This morning, I had a different post drafted... but I think it was, in fact, "too critical."
So today... I'm going to take a step back from my feelings.
I'm going to smell the roses and let the cards fall as they may.

Are you going through anything lately?
Something frustrating?
Something hard?
My only thoughts are that we all have that "something."
And today, I just vented that something all over this blog.
So... yeah. Today is just "one of those."

And with that...
I'm off to smell those pretty roses...
to take a moment...
to focus on my feelings...
to focus on myself...
to breathe.

Monday, June 11, 2012

Courage.

The past year has been a whirlwind. I can't believe it's been a year... wow. The memories. The friends. The mistakes. The love... But now, a full year later, I don't want to dwell on the past, but I'd like to share something with you that I think is quite appropriate for a day like today.  

When I was a little girl, I had a framed poster that hung in my bathroom. It was a poem on a pastel watercolor background, with white handwritten font. I still remember that poem to this day. And today, I want to share that poem with you. We may never know what is in store, but each of us has a destiny. My goal? Explore. Live. Love. Each and every moment.


Thursday, May 3, 2012

Follow-up from the ASK Vlog

2 posts in one day?
I know. 
Whoa.

But this is something I need to do.

I received one particular comment, from an anonymous "friend" on my ASK VLOG post that I would like to address.
I am sorry to those, you know who you are, who do not want me to talk about this.

First, Anonymous, I didn't mean to not answer your 3 questions.
I actually did answer 2 of them (the third question about religion can be found in my first vlog), but the second got cut off in my 2nd video, about where I see myself in 5 years.
The answer is married and happy... I don't know anymore than that because, one—it hasn't happened yet, and two—I'm working on living day-to-day and with whatever life brings—I'm going to embrace as it comes at me.
And this evening when I get home I'm going to check that video out and see where the missing 3 minutes went. As I said in that post, I never watched the videos so I didn't know that those answers were missing.

Second, I apologize for not answering your other question.
I know I said I would answer every single question that was asked of me, but when it came down to it, I just couldn't. Do you ever think about the possibility that the reason I don't talk extensively about that part of my life is to protect the person, the people, and the identities of those who I hurt?
I have received multiple phone calls from multiple people after posting about my past requesting me to not bring it up AT ALL anymore.
So I try not to.
I don't mention his name for a reason.
It's to protect him.
To let him move on.
Talking about it over and over again not only makes me feel horrible for the mistakes I made and hurt I caused a year ago, but it also doesn't allow me to focus on the present.
I had an amazing 3 years with many friends, including you, that I will NEVER forget—but that doesn't mean I am going to blog about it.

Do you want the answer to your question?
YES.
We still talk. On an as-needed/emergency basis ONLY because that's what I was told.
I would love to see my puppies.
The puppies that I RAISED and had to leave behind.
They were MY BABIES.
I would love to still have a relationship with his incredible mother and wonderful sisters
I would love to still be his friend.
That would mean so much to me—if we could move past everything I did to mess up our lives, to forgive each other for our faults, and to really be happy for each other in our new lives.
But instead?
No.
I'm not allowed to call unless it's an emergency or something really important.
And I was not the one who came up with that plan.
Maybe someday that will change.
I pray for it. For him. For me.

Third, there is not a single day that goes by where I don't think about all the people I hurt.
The decisions I made.
And after all the counseling, medication, therapy, and yes—unhealthy weight loss that occurred as a result of depression, in addition to EVERYONE telling me to move on and not dwell in the past, there comes a time when I have to move on.
I can't change what I did.
But I can try to be a better person now.

Fourth, if you are (or were) my friend as you suggest, please
PLEASE
reach out and call me in person. 
Shoot me a text.
An email.
A letter.
I don't know who you are.
I didn't mean to let our friendship go.
I want to be there for you, and to have you be there for me.
This is not any bull that I'm posting just to make myself look a certain way.
This is me reaching out to you in the only way I know how.

You said you and a lot of my friends are still interested in how my story will end.
THIS IS MY STORY.
It's not over.
Not even close.
I'm turning over new pages in my story each and every day,
and while I remember all my pages from my past,
I don't need to re-read them for everyone else.
I'm not disregarding my past.
I'm telling the story of my present.
And as I turned my heart over to God,
I did not remove my past.
But in Him, I was forgiven for it.
Please, please don't give up on me yet.
And now, I'm asking you to try again.
Let's just talk.
Grab tea, if you're in town.
Or let's just write letters/emails/texts.
I don't care what it is.
But I'm here.
Waiting.
You may not understand or support all of my past (and present) decisions, but let's see where this takes us.
My arms are open.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Doubt

// Jacket: Thrifted F21 // Top: Thrifted F21 // Tank: Hollister //
Photo Credit: Andy Petek

Years ago,
I used to mock religion.
Blatantly.
Offensively.
Poorly.
I had doubt in myself,
I didn't know God,
and I was told over and over how 
evolution 
was the way it happened.

I had a person in my life who told me that people who believed,
who had faith,
who knew an entity greater than themselves, were 
brainwashed.
I believed that person.

Last year, I met a person
who believed something 
different.
He believed in God.
He knew Jesus died for our sins.
He believed in me.

He believed in me when I questioned by feelings about evolution.
He believed in me when I countered his beliefs, thinking I knew it all.
He believed in me when I went with him to church, just to be supportive.
He believed in me when I encountered the Holy Spirit for the first time, last December.
He believed in me on March 18th when I went forward to be prayed for.
He believed in me when I opened my heart to Jesus.
And you know what?
I BELIEVE that he will believe in me every step of the way.

I have already encountered those who doubt,
who think I'm going through a phase,
who have called me a hypocrite.
And I don't blame them.
But I do intend to show them that this new step
is just the first step.
This is a lifestyle change—
and soon enough, those who doubt will see it in me.

I'm so thankful for that person who knew it was inside me all along.
He never doubted me.
He knew it would happen.
He helped me find God.

Thank you, Daniel.
I would not be where I am today without you.
That is so true in more ways than anyone but us will ever know.
Each day when I pray, I thank God for you.

bloglovin

Friday, February 3, 2012

Comments

 
 
// Skirt: Thrifted H&M // Top: Target // Scarf: Ross // Boots: Thrifted //
 CLICK HERE for a tutorial on this nail art

Wow. What a week it has been.

And I don't necessarily mean it in a good way.

Last week, as you may remember, I did a Thursday 13 post on my pet peeves. At the time, I was just writing and putting my thoughts out there.

That's what I do most of the time... just write.

However, on that post I wrote a "pet peeve" without really thinking about it. In fact, I offended quite a few people. And I learned a lot about myself by doing it.

I want to tell you today that I am very sorry... incredibly embarrassed... and so, so sorry for offending you.

Even more than that? I'm sorry for making myself sound so uneducated, stupid, and in-compassionate. In fact, I was referred to (by more than one person) as "deplorable," a "privileged embarrassment," a "brat," "gross," and other terms that I deserved to be called. I deserved each of those negative comments.

Some people don't like when readers make negative comments. I honestly appreciated them more than anything. I sincerely offended some people, and they cared enough to let me know that my words were offensive. They let me know about the type of person I am... and sometimes that's a person who I don't want to be. A few of them even mentioned that they would pray for me... that's the kind of compassion that we all need to have...

... and the kind of compassion I realize I am missing. It is my new goal to reach out to those in need, regardless of their situation. I am hoping I can learn more about the world, more about people, and more about what makes us who we are.

In the mean time, I am again so sorry for my offensive words. I think the thing that got me the most was one person who said I wasn't genuine. That killed me. I try to always write what's on my heart, and this time my heart was not in a good place. I know it is something I need to work on.

See you Monday. Please let me know if I am ever offensive. I think I take the whole "aunie sauce" thing a little too far, sometimes.


bloglovin

Friday, January 27, 2012

Inspired.


After my guest post (post removed from her blog, sorry!) over at Miss Mommy this week,
I received a lot of really positive feedback.

And, while it is so wonderful that you all are supportive,
you may be just too nice with what you said about me.
But that's probably my own fault.
I may have lead you to think that way with my way of writing.

In fact, many people even referred to me as inspiring.
Ladies— I love you, but I was anything but inspiring (during that time).
I mean... in that post I did reveal a lot... but I will admit that I still glammed it up.
Quite a bit.
I mean... I left out some BIG details. But those are my details.
[[And quite embarrassing for me, actually]].
I tore apart the lives, and dignity, of many who I love.
I am not a person to be looked up to during that time.
Just trust me on that one.

Anyway— your comments got me thinking.
Since I don't necessarily agree with the term "inspiring," I thought I'd come up with a few things I learned about myself based on the happenings in that post.

Courage
Never before had I stepped so outside the lines of the clearly drawn map. Now, I know I can.
Growth
Boy, when you make choices like that... you grow. For the better. Always.
Humility
Accepting each and every thing that I did wrong to get to that point and then forgiving myself was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.
Strength
Forgiving myself for some of the worst decisions I have ever made took incredible strength. I am now a very strong person.
Honesty
Coming out and telling the world your true feelings can be very daunting. If you let it overwhelm you, you'll be stuck forever. Be true to yourself...
Integrity:
...The only thing greater than being honest with the world is being honest with yourself. I made decisions. I owned up to them. I was forgiven. I forgave myself. In my opinion, integrity shows in every person more than any other aspect.
Love
I have learned the greatest love through the whole experience. Enough love to let someone go. Love for another that I didn't know was possible. Love for God. Love for myself.

Please, don't refer to my Miss Mommy post as inspiring.
Look to the way I'm living now, and my new perspective on life as inspiring.
If I can inspire, help, or save one person by sharing what I have experienced,
then it is all worth it.

Looking back is at thing of the past.
All I can do now is live every moment as it is—beautiful and right in front of me.
I will never look back and say "what if" because
I'm finished looking back.
And I'm so excited for what the future holds.

*****************************************************************

 And now... to lighten the mood a bit...
how about an inspired copycat outfit?

The original:

The inspired copycat:
// Sweater: Ross // Scarf: Hospital gift shop // Top: Lauren Conrad for Kohls // Pants: Target // Shoes& Boots: Thrifted //

See that photo? Right up there? And that sexy guy in the gray shirt? HE makes it all worth it.
 
Frills for thrills copycats

bloglovin

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Okay

Photobucket Photobucket Photobucket
// Blouse: Francescas // Pants: Target // Shoes: Rocket Dog // Earrings: Premier Design //
Visit my hairstyle tutorial for this look here.

Yesterday, a dear girl named Chelsie shared a beautiful quote with me.
It was in response to my guest post on Miss Mommy.
I wanted to share it with you.

It pretty much sums up my entire yesterday...
The past. The present. The future.

It's funny how one phone call,
one decision,
one message,
one chance meeting,
one text,
one missed turn,
one reaction,
one handshake,
one mistake,
one blog post...
can change your entire day.

But no matter what happens... you're okay.
And at the end of the day—I am, and I will be, okay.

 The quote said,

"Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end."

bloglovin

Thursday, November 17, 2011

The Middle.


Remember that song "The Middle" by Jimmy Eat World? Sometimes it's amazing how a simple song can explain exactly how you're feeling on any given day. It's actually rather refreshing, because hey, if there's a song about how you're feeling... you're not alone, right? You're just ... in the middle.

Hey, don't write yourself off yet
It's only in your head you feel left out or looked down on.
Just try your best, try everything you can.
And don't you worry what they tell themselves when you're away.

It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything, everything will be just fine, everything, everything will be alright... alright.

Hey, you know they're all the same.
You know you're doing better on your own, so don't buy in.
Live right now.
Yeah, just be yourself.
It doesn't matter if it's good enough for someone else.

It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything, everything will be just fine, everything, everything will be alright... alright.
It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything, everything will be just fine, everything, everything will be alright... alright.


Hey, don't write yourself off yet.
It's only in your head you feel left out or looked down on.
Just do your best, do everything you can.
And don't you worry what the bitter hearts are gonna say.

It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything, everything will be just fine, everything, everything will be alright... alright.

It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything, everything will be just fine, everything, everything will be alright... alright.

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