Friday, December 6, 2013
I am a liar and creator of evil thoughts. It's true. And the only person I hurt is myself.
For completely unfounded reasons, I create thoughts and ideas in my head about infidelity, distrust, suspicion, doubt. Nothing has ever been done to me that would substantiate a reason for these thoughts—though my own actions and hurt I've caused others is what I believe to be the primary reason for it.
It's sad. These thoughts—and often terrifying nightmares that wake me up in tears and cold sweats—are debilitating. They come on at a moment's notice, ruining my kind and carefree spirit. They send me into panic mode, creating the desire to snoop and see if there's anything underneath the surface that could be going on without my knowledge. It's so sad. I have distrust and it's so incredibly unfounded.
I get emotional as I write this. It's something that as I write, I want to hit "delete" and push under the rug—it's there but I don't want anyone else to see it. It's embarrassing. As a woman of faith, I shouldn't struggle with these things, I shouldn't let myself be so vulnerable. My mind—a filthy place—is so cluttered with these horrible thoughts, and there's no reason for it. I know these thoughts don't come from a good place. They're insecurities that I struggle with often—even today as I type this.
As often as I've debated putting this insecurity out there and broadcasting it to the entire internet, I suppose I have a hopeful intention with it. So often, I've blogged about my troubles in the past. My trichotillomania... that only got better after I wrote it all down and put myself out there—so I'm crossing my fingers and saying my prayers that bringing this insecurity out from it's hiding spot will help me in the long run. I'm not weak. I'm not helpless. And I'm tired of letting these destructive thoughts control me and make me feel weak and helpless.
I've made so many decisions lately, like joining the Air National Guard, where I know I'll put myself in an emotionally vulnerable spot and won't be able to see Daniel for several months while I'm away at training—and the hope is that it will make a stronger person. He is an amazing man, and I'm not giving him the credit, respect or honor he deserves.
So there it is. The lies I tell myself. The fear of it happening to me. The biggest insecurities that get me down and crush my spirit day after day.
Thursday, December 5, 2013
A chill in the air,
a bite with every breath.
Snow scatters the streets,
the ground crunches under every step.
Bundled in layers,
still chilled to the bone.
Wandering through the town,
everything frozen as stone.
Streaks of sunlight peak through the clouds,
a beautiful morning about to start.
Cold fingers, cold hands, cold nose, cold toes.
Grateful for an always-warm heart.
an original poem - 12.5.13
Wednesday, December 4, 2013
This last weekend, Daniel and I escaped Boise and headed two hours north to McCall, Idaho, our favorite getaway spot. Last year, we spent our honeymoon in McCall at the Shore Lodge, so for our first anniversary this last Sunday, we thought it would be fun to go spend a couple nights away—just the two of us.
We sipped hot cocoa every chance we could get, dined at some of our favorite McCall spots (Steamers, Paradise Burger, Growler's, Stacey Cakes, and of course—The Pancake House), watched football while overlooking the lake, warmed up in their lakeside hot tub under the icy rain, battled at the Foosball table, and even watched a few movies! It was a wonderful anniversary celebration.
One year. Amazing. This is just the beginning!
Monday, December 2, 2013
On Wednesday, November 27, 2013, while surrounded by my family and with my hand raised in front of the American flag, I enlisted in the Idaho Air National Guard. This decision has been a long time in the making, and officially--I did it.
This begins a whole new & HUGE chapter in our lives. Daniel, who is coming up on 11 years in the ANG, has been one of the biggest reasons why I wanted to join. The Guard has done wonderful things in his life (it brought him to Idaho!), and I'm ready to go with him hand-in-hand on this new venture.
Of course this means some big changes for me. I am going in as a traditional (weekend drills only), so I get to keep my full-time job at the hospital, which is just wonderful--it's like the best of both worlds! But, as you can assume, since I've joined the military, I will have to go away for some training. I don't know dates at this time, but I do know that the training involves spending 8 weeks at Air Force Basic Military Training (BMT) in Texas, followed by another 6 weeks of tech school in Mississippi.
We are so excited for this, because we know it is the right thing for us and our future. For me, it's a whole new career set that I'll develop and that I couldn't get anywhere else. It's a wonderful addition to add to my resume, and I know it will help build me as a person. For Daniel and I, it is a step to help set up our future together. And, last but not least, I get to serve our country! This is such an amazing opportunity for us, and we are running fast after it with so much excitement. This is it!
We have been talking about this for such a long time, and I'm so excited that I finally did it. And it wasn't easy! The test to get in, the ASVAB, was a pickle (though I did end up scoring well, thank goodness). The 4-hour physical was another trial. Wading through the paperwork and the forms and the questions and the unknowns... it's all been a lot... but finally, I enlisted and this begins a whole new chapter. I'll be learning everything as I go--it's all new to me--taking in each moment, and loving this new opportunity that is going to bring great things. I'm just so excited.
If you have questions about the Guard, which I'm sure you will, please don't hesitate to ask them below. I hope you'll join us in our celebration of this new step & journey in our lives.
Sunday, December 1, 2013
A year ago today, Daniel and I were married in the most beautiful winter wonderland setting at our church. We were surrounded by family and friends, and we felt the love from our entire congregation—since we had our wedding at our church, we made it an open invite ceremony—and it was beautiful, fun, so special, and a big, giant party.
One of the best things about our marriage is that it was built on the strongest foundation possible. We have God as our center—our rock. Through him, we know we can do anything and that nothing can divide us or tear us apart. When we know we love the Lord first and foremost, he teaches us how to love each other and how to be better for the other person. Like every couple, we've had trials over the last year, but with God, we were able to get through them and the love we have now is stronger than ever. We couldn't do it without Him.
I can't believe the last year went by so quickly. We have changed immeasurably, helping each other become the new people we are today. We make each other better people. We are best friends. We love spending time together, making big decisions together, and building our lives together. This may be the end of "year one," but it's just the beginning in the story we're writing as we go.
I love you, Daniel. My best friend. My leader in the Lord. My husband. My other half. My sweets... I love you.