Friday, December 6, 2013
I am a liar and creator of evil thoughts. It's true. And the only person I hurt is myself.
For completely unfounded reasons, I create thoughts and ideas in my head about infidelity, distrust, suspicion, doubt. Nothing has ever been done to me that would substantiate a reason for these thoughts—though my own actions and hurt I've caused others is what I believe to be the primary reason for it.
It's sad. These thoughts—and often terrifying nightmares that wake me up in tears and cold sweats—are debilitating. They come on at a moment's notice, ruining my kind and carefree spirit. They send me into panic mode, creating the desire to snoop and see if there's anything underneath the surface that could be going on without my knowledge. It's so sad. I have distrust and it's so incredibly unfounded.
I get emotional as I write this. It's something that as I write, I want to hit "delete" and push under the rug—it's there but I don't want anyone else to see it. It's embarrassing. As a woman of faith, I shouldn't struggle with these things, I shouldn't let myself be so vulnerable. My mind—a filthy place—is so cluttered with these horrible thoughts, and there's no reason for it. I know these thoughts don't come from a good place. They're insecurities that I struggle with often—even today as I type this.
As often as I've debated putting this insecurity out there and broadcasting it to the entire internet, I suppose I have a hopeful intention with it. So often, I've blogged about my troubles in the past. My trichotillomania... that only got better after I wrote it all down and put myself out there—so I'm crossing my fingers and saying my prayers that bringing this insecurity out from it's hiding spot will help me in the long run. I'm not weak. I'm not helpless. And I'm tired of letting these destructive thoughts control me and make me feel weak and helpless.
I've made so many decisions lately, like joining the Air National Guard, where I know I'll put myself in an emotionally vulnerable spot and won't be able to see Daniel for several months while I'm away at training—and the hope is that it will make a stronger person. He is an amazing man, and I'm not giving him the credit, respect or honor he deserves.
So there it is. The lies I tell myself. The fear of it happening to me. The biggest insecurities that get me down and crush my spirit day after day.
// MORE SAUCE