Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Changes.

Scarf: Ross // Shorts: Nordstrom Rack // Flower Ring & Silver Necklace: Premier Design // Leather Bracelet and Ring: c/o Payton Woodcraft

I feel a change stirring inside of me.

Maybe it's just this time of year. Summer.

Maybe it's just me.

But I don't think so.

I know I'm not the same person I was five years ago.
I feel like I'm not even the same person I was five months ago.
I see things differently now.
I know it's the Lord.
He is changing me.

I am not as loud as I used to be.
Not as outspoken.
Not desiring to be the center of attention.
I feel much more withdrawn.
From everyone and everything.

I listen more now.
I feel more, think more deeply.
I also take a lot more to heart. I feel hurt easily.
I am also more conscious of the hurt I cause... and try not to cause any at all.

While I try to embrace this change, I can't help but wonder why.
God, what is the reason for these changes?
What am I getting out of this?
Who do you want me to be?

My whole life, I've always been the one to try to stand out of the crowd.
The cheer captain.
The fastest 400 runner on our team.
The smartest person in class.
The loudest person at the party.
The die-hard gym athlete.
The one who has her whole life put together in this pretty, perfect little package.

But now, I feel as though none of that matters.
I don't care if I'm the best, the brightest, the most popular.
I just want to be me.
And right now I feel as though I don't always know who that is.

I want to not only be me, but I want to be there for others.
I want to be a good friend—one that people can trust and talk to.
I want to be an example—to strangers or family. I haven't been there like I should have for my brother and sister. And I can tell that they have had a hard time adjusting to my mistakes. I don't want to be the perfect older sister. I just want to be a good sister.
I want to be a wonderful wife. I'm not sure when it's going to happen, but I want it so badly. I want to be the best friend, the lover, the one that his family always prayed for. I want to be the wife who he comes home to each night. The wife who can cook a decent meal. The wife who actually runs the vacuum once in a while. The wife who he is proud to call his wife. I have never felt a love like I feel right now for my Daniel. I try so hard to do everything for him. I just hope I'm doing it right.
And someday, I want to be a mom. Maybe. You know what? I say "maybe," but I think it's all a ploy. I will be a mother. And a darn good one. When the time is right, it will be right.

There is a change within me.
I pray to God every day that I soon realize what that change is.
What it means.
Who I will be.
Where I will go.
Who I will meet, help, inspire.
As long as He is holding my hand along the way, I know I am in good hands.
Aunie Sauce

30 comments:

Julie Marie said...

love this. love when God starts teaching us who WE are =) love ya girl!!

elise said...

love this post. So much. it was seriously just what I needed today...probably just what we all neeed.

Sammantha said...

this is great, im happy for you lady!

www.dysfunctionaleverafter.com

Joelle :: Something Charming said...

What a great post! We all change at different points in our lives, and I definitely don't think it's a bad thing. Maybe it's better to say that we're growing? Whatever it is, I'm happy for you! I say you don't need a reason either, just go with it :)

xoxo,
Joelle

Elise Cooper said...

I feel like God is constantly changing me, molding me into the person that he desires me to be. Sometimes that scares but for the most part I find it comforting. One of my favorite verses, that seems to be coming up a lot lately is Jeremiah 29:11: "For I know the plan I have for you declares to Lord, plans to prosper you and not harm you plans to give you hope and a future." You might not know why these changes are occurring but God is certainly in control and has great, perfect, plans for you!

Kristin Fleck said...

love you most, sweets <3

Baylee said...

I really like this post. I am feeling a lot of these things lately. Feeling a lot of more introverted but happy to be.. where before I needed to be doing something with someone every night.
I like how you wrote it in prose. Really cool.
Hope you are having a great week.
-Baylee

Michelle @ Run Faster Mommy said...

First of all, GORGEOUS pictures, girl.

Secondly, this is an awesome post. I remember after my divorce, I came back home from California a broken mess and I didn't even care if I got married again. As soon as I started focusing on the Lord and improving myself in His eyes, Nick fell right into my lap.

You'll be all those things you want. And more! :)

Lindsay @ Trial By Sapphire said...

You don't need all the answers. Simply enjoy the ride. :-)

Brandy said...

Love this post. I think we are in the same stages of faith right now. You are a beautiful person on the inside and out. HUGS!

Mae said...

Love this. Feeling it too. Blessings to you and your amazing journey :)

AbsoluteMommy said...

Five years can make a world of difference. And you may notice that the "new" you, will get more attention. Just wait and see.

Elisha(: said...

This is utterly gorgeous, as well as you are!!! <33

x.

Laura said...

Been following your blog for a few weeks now, but this is my first comment, and I totally get where you're coming from about the changes, I used to be loud and in the middle and now I'm content to stand on the side. Love your blog!
Laura

the hollie rogue said...

seriously love your heart, friend! praying for your new journey and thankful that you have placed your trust and identity and security in the only One who can truly satisfy.

Hugs,
Andi

Allyson Butler said...

This is such a great post! It is so wonderful to see your surrender to the Lord and how He is working in your life!

Chelsea said...

Well said. I needed to hear these things today. Thank you. :)

Miranda @ All Things Lovely said...

Bah! I'm basking in the beauty that is within this post, Annelise. You always manage to say everything I feel, and so eloquently at that..which has me thinkin' that it's part of His plan..sharing all of this and helping people like me and others realize that we're not the only ones feeling it too. <3 you

Carly said...

What an awesome place to be, and how smart you are to listen!

Carly
www.lipglossandcrayons.com

The Arizona Russums said...

Love this post. So similar to my own story over the past five years. God has slowly but surely been giving this attention-seeker a quiet spirit. He is good!

Janna Renee said...

This is how I feel too...I've realized that being "me" is more than enough, and so much better than trying to fit someone else's mold. I'm having a rough night, so thanks for this.

kskatzman said...

love love love this!!!

Olga said...

You're so pretty and I love this post! I read about your journey and it sounds amazing. I've been experiencing similar things lately. My life has changed drastically for the better. It's crazy how quickly that happen.

For the Record

Sammantha said...

you are inspiring. that is all.

Alexis @ Christian WifeStyle said...

Love, love, love this post! It's always an interesting feeling when you don't feel like your self, but you like the way you feel. It's almost like you're viewing your life from the outside in and taking a look at things that have changed, things that you want to change, etc.

Love your openness...it's very easy to relate to you!

Lily Garay said...

Wow. what a great post. I feel the same way. It's a beautiful thing. I'm so glad you are a Christian now!

Kristen @ Confessions of a GDS said...

I really love hearing about your journey! It's amazing when you feel like you're on the right track- when yo're comfortable just being yourself- when you finally figure out what "being yourself" really means. You ARE and WILL be all of these things because you are amazing! Love ya girl! xo

P.S. those photos are STUNNING and I love the filters :)

Anna @ Beauty in the Chaos said...

I believe that each one of us, as children of God, go through this at some point or another - often times more than once.
I, too, used to be outgoing, outspoken, and was always the center of attention. But a couple of years ago, Brandon Heath came out with his song "Give me Your eyes", and it says:
"Give me your eyes for just one second
Give me your eyes so i can see
Everything that i keep missing
Give me your love for humanity
Give me your arms for the broken hearted
The ones that are far beyond my reach?
Give me your heart for the one's forgotten
Give me your eyes so i can see"
And that became the prayer in my heart, and I began to pray deligently that God would change my heart and make me less of me and more of Him.
And He answered my prayers. I started seeing things in a whole different light. Like you, I became more in tune with others, and less involved in my self.
Now that's not to say that there aren't times where I fall back in to getting completely self absorbed and want all the attention. After all, I am human.
But that's not what God wants. God wants us to show everyone we meet, His love. In order for that to happen, we have to completely surrender and allow God to change our hearts.
That sounds like what is going on with you. And I pray that you will embrace it, and walk in the Spirit. I pray that you will never doubt God moving in your life. And I pray that He will use you as His hands and His feet. (the same things I pray for myself).

Love and Prayers,
Anna

Megan said...

love this post so much! thank you for sharing your heart!

Nicole Marie said...

I've change within myself recently.. and it's great. I think you will be a great mom one day.

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