Monday, February 25, 2013

The Break Down

christian blog

Sometimes you don't realize how thin your rope has worn until it breaks.
Yesterday, my rope broke—and I fell hard.

We were at church.
I had been having a hard time lately (depression—I have a history of it, bad and destructive thoughts, nightmares) and one of my friends suggested the previous week that I tried opening up more, really getting into worship and just letting go.
So yesterday—I let go.
I raised my hands to worship.
As I did, one of the wise women in church went on stage to say a little of what was on her heart.
She spoke about feeling hopeless, being in a situation you can't control, feeling like your prayers aren't being answered, and that if this is you—remember, you're not in charge. God is. And he's there with you no matter what, even when times are hard. She reminded us not to doubt him, that this was part of the plan—a beautiful plan—that God has laid out for our life.

Those simple words—words that I desperately needed—hit me like a ton of bricks... and I lost it. Just like that.
Sobbing, shaking, hyperventilating, totally breaking down—I let it all out.
And it didn't stop.
I cried through the rest of worship, through service, and even for about an hour after service.
I had broken.

It's amazing how we don't realize how deep we've fallen until we hit the ground and realize what we're doing to ourselves.
I was being bitter, fearful, suspicious, and holding offenses that were like chains binding my soul,
bringing negativity with me everywhere I went.
All for nothing. I had nothing to be bitter about, fearful of... I'd been having the craziest, unwarranted nightmares.
It was all a bad, bad spirit that had infiltrated me and wasn't going away.

Yesterday, I let it go.
I gave God those chains that had bound me,
and let him be in charge once more.

Though I broke down in front of everyone,
I wasn't embarrassed. It was cleansing.
I broke the hard shell of myself that had developed on the outside—like a mask—that I was cowering behind.
That mask had been my safety net. My hiding place. The place where I was destroying myself.
I needed to break down. I needed to let it out. To free myself of those burdens.

And let me tell you, today I am refreshed.
I am happy.
I am new.

I feel like I'm seeing the world through open eyes again.
And it's clearer and more beautiful than ever before.

PS / / Thank you to all the friends who have prayed for me lately, and a big thank you to those of you who gave me a little back rub, prayer, or comforting touch yesterday while I was breaking down. You really helped soothe the pain and your prayers truly helped. Thank you.

53 comments:

Yaya said...

I too have been through a similar experience, and it is extremely liberating.

I may be a new follower and not yet know you, but it really makes me genuinely happy to know that you feel new and are free from the chains that bound you.



Hugs to you! xx

Kaity Leechford said...

Aunie, I recently have really begun letting God back in FULL control of my life, and it is totally amazing! It's really an awesome feeling isn't it? I, like you, suffer with depression and anxiety as well. So I know just what you were going through! Whenever I am getting overwhelmed, I always look to Psalm 61:2. I think this would really help you as well. Awesome post!


undertheoaktreeblog.blogspot.com

Deanna said...

Thank you for sharing. You touched my heart today ;)

Laura at Howdy Girl said...

It seems like every time I have a breakdown, it happens in the middle of church. Thank you for sharing that, it's kind of comforting to know that I'm not the only one who's broken down, almost in relief, after God touched me for whatever reason.

Colleen said...

I love you my friend, sister and prayer warrior partner! I am praying hard for you today!

Michelle said...

Great post. Thank you for sharing this.

grace for gayle said...

While I in no way am glad you have been feeling so burdened, I am praising the Lord that you were able to do what many cannot -- and that is accept His miraculous freedom. That is through authenticity and real love. Giving and accepting real love. That's exactly what you did, my dear sweet friend. I am proud of you for opening yourself in such a vulnerable way, and not being ashamed. Many times, we cannot be renewed until we shed the old, which takes work and sometimes hurts. My favorite quote: "Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly." Love you, dear sister in Christ!

Abigail Gill said...

You are so brave to share! It may be odd that I'm commenting on your page and don't know anything about you other than what you post, but I can relate to having feelings of just "being down". I just recently finished reading The Happiness Project and it has really lifted my spirits. Not sure if you're a reader but I highly recommend it. :)
Have a wonderful day!

Adriana Freund said...

Thank you for your honesty. You have shined your light on me once and what a glorious purpose God has planned for you.

Alyssa Dawson said...

You are so great! Sometimes it's so important to just let it all out. We all need a good cry.

I'm glad you are feeling better. If it helps, I love reading your blog and looking at your super cute pictures! I may not always comment, but just know that there are more people out here like me who support you and believe in you! (: Hope you have a great monday! (:

http://www.alyssadawsonblog.com/

Carly said...

This is such a great post. Although, I've only recently discovered your blog (so wish I had sooner) I've come realise how similar a lot of things are between us. Some of the posts you write strike so true to how I'm feeling and things that I'm going through at the moment, too. I also have a history of depression - more so from the past year or so - and those feelings you describe in this post are feelings I struggle with when I'm going through one of those 'phases'. It really does ring so true as to how I've been feeling the past few months, and only now I'm starting to feel 'new' again.

Your experience in church yesterday is definitely needed. And I'm glad you got through it, it's such a great feeling to be able to release all that that's been locked away as you're trying to get on with life. You're awesome, Aunie!

Stacie Graves said...

Aunie, as always, thanks for being so candid. It's strange that I discovered your blog just a little while ago, yet I often feel like I'm reading my own blog! (Big ditto to your entire experience yesterday). I'm grateful for the constant teachers and friends that surround us and remind us that God has big plans for our lives, bigger than we can imagine. I try to remember that it's the fire that brings out the polish in the silver (us) till He (God/the Silversmith) can see His reflection in us. That's when He knows the silver is ready!
Keep it up! You are wonderful

Stacie Graves said...

Thanks for the reference in Psalm!

Cody said...

That's is such a beautiful story. I remember crying all the time back in my senior year in high school. I had so much pain. I am better now but it was nice to know there was a place I could cry at. I am glad to see you are doing better too.

Shelley said...

It's always a great reminder to hear those words. Thank you! I am so glad you are feeling better!

Vicki Gonzalez said...

I'm so glad you were able to let go. I know it must have been hard, but I'm so glad you have supportive people around you!

Kym Fox said...

Aunie!! TJ started an episode of Criminal Minds right as I started reading this post, and this quote began the episode: "The world breaks everyone, and afterward many are strong at the broken places. But those that will not break, it kills." - Ernest Hemingway ... wow wow wow.


I am sad for the struggles you have been going through, but I am happy that you awakened today to see the world just as beautiful as you are. Stay strong, sweet friend - strong enough to break again, if you need to. xo

Krysten said...

As hard as it is to read about you being so sad, I am so happy you were able to let go. I am trying to learn the art of letting go right now and it can be so hard.



Keeping you in my thoughts.

Whitney said...

I had a very similar incident recently so I completely know where you are coming from. I struggle with anxiety/panic attacks and depression and one day I just broke as well, like you said, I just reached the end of my rope...crying, shaking, everything you described. I will keep you in my prayers as I understand your struggle! It's great to hear how you let go and let God, I'm hoping to do more of the same thing. I hope things look up for you!!

CatDan said...

So glad you were able to let go and have such a good result. Happy that you're feeling so much better. Thinking of you.

leslie knight said...

letting go is so hard. breaking down is so hard. but it is often the best thing. i feel like until we hit rock bottom God can't really do His thing. so glad you are new today!

rasouthern said...

I have had a few of those moments myself. Sobbing, weeping on my knees at the altar begging for forgiveness for not giving it all to Him in the first place. I'm praying for you; I'm glad you feel new and refreshed!

Kaara said...

Awe, I feel for you. I have so been there, many times. I'm glad you have a friend that encouraged you to let it all go and give it to God ;) it feels so good afterwards doesn't it?!
Have a great day ;)
Kaara

http://inthekitchwithkaara.blogspot.com

Caroline L. said...

Those moments are so very necessary, aren't they? And you don't realize it until they've happened - that they are so extremely cathartic and needed. I'm happy that you are feeling renewed and refreshed and hope that it's a long, long time again before you need to go through that breakdown - if ever.

Katie said...

Oh, Aunie, thank you for sharing this. I can relate so much.

Erin said...

Oh my dear Aunie thank you for sharing this. Last week I was in church too and I completely lost it. MY family has been going through some hard things lately and even just praying makes me tear up. Unlike you I was embarrassed
but it was something that my soul needed and I know I just need to hand all my problems to the Lord. Keep your head up and I'll do the same. We can try to be eachother's support.
xoxo

readeatcreate.com

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julie marie said...

oh aunie... i read your comment on my blog yesterday and i unashamedly say people should be ashamed of themselves for reading such openness and honesty and heartwrenching words and delete... Its happened to me several times and blows my mind that people can do that...

but more importantly what you felt in church and in your recent history, i have been there and its a hard place to escape...without the grace and healing of God...i love those moments where God reminds us that he is still with us..
<3 love you friend...

Lesley said...

awesome post, aunie! i know that i am about < -- > this far from reaching that point. god keeps me right at the very edge i feel and i'm afraid of when that might happen. i struggle with bad anxiety and so i'm almost there. thank you for sharing this (:

Julie said...

I love these posts about faith. So glad you have people around you to give prayers and comfort. I had a breakdown at church a couple of weeks ago and was very thankful for a friend sitting next to me who kept her arm around me for comfort. I'll be thinking about you!

Kiki said...

I love your posts about your faith! You have truly been an inspiration to me in regards to writing what's on my mind and heart. So thanks for that!

And I am so glad you let go and gave it all to Him! Worship and music have truly been an encouragement to me lately. There are many Sundays in church where I leave with tears in my eyes because of the songs we sing in. God works in many ways and I am so glad that He uses music to move me! :)

Betsy Transatlantically said...

so much love to you in this time of renewal! what a wonderful community of faith you have.

Maggie Broderick said...

Loving every bit of your honesty. Keep it up girl. Isn't there something so incredible about just letting go? I am very similar in that I start to just put this wall up with people when I am overwhelmed, nervous, etc. I think that it is important to protect yourself, but this can't become a habit. When we are most vulnerable, we allow ourselves to really grow and develop as individuals.

God is great! I am so glad that you have your faith to help you through it all.

cardigansandpassports.blogspot.com

Alesha said...

Praise the Lord! Sometimes that is so needed. I haven't told you but you have been on my heart a lot and I have been praying for you! Gla to hear of the newness and the freshness in you today! Praise the Lord!
Alesha <3

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Annelise @ Aunie Sauce said...

Thank you so much, Yaya! For your support, for your sweet comment and for being new... and staying :) Means so much!

Annelise @ Aunie Sauce said...

Thanks so much, Kaity! I will look up that verse!

Annelise @ Aunie Sauce said...

That's a BEAUTIFUL quote! Thanks Gayle :) Means a lot!

Annelise @ Aunie Sauce said...

Thank you, Abigail! I AM a reader, and I will be sure to check that out. I love uplifting & beautiful books! And it's not weird at all. Your comments keep me going!

Annelise @ Aunie Sauce said...

You're so sweet, Adriana. Thank you for also being a wonderful light in my life!

Annelise @ Aunie Sauce said...

Alyssa, that is so nice of you! Thanks for helping lift my spirits. You make me so happy!

Annelise @ Aunie Sauce said...

Carly, thank you so much. That's a really special comment to me. Sometimes I don't always write out what I'm thinking, because I don't want to bring people down... and when you go through depression, sometimes you're just down ALL THE TIME... as you know. So once in a while, when I do write it out, it's not only liberating, but it is so incredibly refreshing and supportive to see all the love that each of you guys bring. I'm so happy you're here and supportive... and that you feel like we are similar. Thanks for having a wonderful heart. I really appreciate it.

Annelise @ Aunie Sauce said...

That's such a great way to look at it! I love that!

Annelise @ Aunie Sauce said...

And you're in mine. Thanks Krysten!

Annelise @ Aunie Sauce said...

I think once it gets to that point of crying all your makeup off and people just piling around you to pray--that's when all the embarrassment goes away. When people see how badly you NEED it at that moment, there's no embarrassment. Thinking of you, Erin!

Annelise @ Aunie Sauce said...

Thank you, Julie. I'm so glad you can relate. We are so similar in so many ways... yet still so different... and that's what makes it all so great!

Annelise @ Aunie Sauce said...

Thank you so much! I used to be afraid to post about faith... but now I don't hold anything back! If it's on my heart, it comes out! :)

Annelise @ Aunie Sauce said...

You know what's crazy? A couple people have been saying that... and they KNEW I needed God and prayer SO MUCH! Thank you so much, Alesha!

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