Thursday, November 15, 2012

tunnel vision


Dark tunnel.
Clouded vision.
All by myself.

That's kind of like life the past couple days.
Me... trying to do everything by myself. Alone.
Let me tell you what, it doesn't work like that.

I got a call from my mom this morning.
She and my sister were concerned about me, after reading this post on Tuesday.
To be honest, I was just writing. Venting. Getting it out of my system. I didn't really think about it.
But—knowing me and my past, I can fully understand why they would be concerned.
I tried to tell her that everything was OK, and that I was totally fine... but then I started to cry.
And no matter what anyone tells you, if you're crying while you're trying to tell someone you're fine—
you're not fine.

My mom and I continued talking, as I hid myself in my office closet so no one would know that something was wrong.
See, I tend to be so happy and bubbly in person, always going-going-going with a big smile and then when I get home I tend to collapse.
Mentally. Physically. Emotionally.
Poor Daniel, he always gets the worse-for-wear version of me.
But anyway, there I was, crying over the phone to my mom and huddled in the dark Harry Potter closet.
She talked it out of me, as moms always do, and I felt so much better.
Just her call of concern really helped. And then the text from my sister a few moments later.
Sometimes it just helps to know that people are thinking about you.

Anyway, as the morning would have it, guess who I talked to immediately after that?
One of our church pastors.
He was just returning a call I had left for him earlier, but the timing couldn't be more perfect.
In addition to helping me out, he offered to pray for me.
And he prayed exactly what I needed to hear. I didn't even need to tell him what was going on. He just knew.
Grace. Peace. Rejoicing happiness. Serenity.
The prayers came right when I needed them.

Needless to say, this is not the post I had planned.
I didn't want to tell you that I've been facing a mental breaking point.
Everyone has been saying, "This is the happiest time of your life!"
And it is... but for some reason this very happy and wonderful time is also sad for me.
I know I'm not the only one who gets a little overwhelmed right toward the end.

I know that some people who read this today will be upset that I'm not glossing it over with pretty glitter.
They might be hurt that I'm saying I'm sad when I should be so very happy.
And here's the thing you need to know, I am happy. I am fulfilled. I am in love with an amazing, wonderful man.
But sometimes, it just feels good to cry. I'm not perfect. I have anxiety. It feels good to be honest. And to give it up and ask for help.
So today—I did. I emailed everyone I possibly could to reach out for help. And I know my prayers will be answered and we will get the help we need.

Please don't tell me "Keep your head up," or "It will all be OK,"
because I know that. My head is up. It is OK.
Seriously.
I know I will make it to our wedding, that the days will go by quickly, and it will be the most wonderful day of my life.
And despite this venting post... I really am fine.
So instead of a "Cheer up, Charlie" comment, maybe you could tell me an inspirational quote. A verse. Or tell a funny joke.
But I just want you all to know that life is good. So good. There's just a lot going on.

So today, that's why you get a post like this.
Posts that are way longer than they should be.
Posts that help me cry a little, write it out, and then move on... like writing therapy.
Posts that feel to me like a little written prayer. A little journal entry.
Posts that show you that I sure am real. I definitely have feelings. And I'm not the strongest-super-do-it-all-woman I know.
And that's OK. I'm OK.
Consider that tunnel vision gone.

And now, since I poured it all out and don't know how to end this post
while also trying to convince you that I'm not going to go back and cry in the closet (which I'm not),
I'm just going to tell you to have an awesome day.
Take my word for it. I'm good and OK and in a much better mood than when I began typing this.
And I appreciate you.
And thanks for supporting my blog. Man, it means a lot.
OK. I'm really going now.
I'm usually really good at ending things.
Not today.
OK bye.
Hit. Publish.

47 comments:

Elisha said...

We think we're alone in horrible situations a lot of the time.. And we forget that we are in those situations for a reason!

xox!

Joelle :: Something Charming said...

I won't say that everything will be okay, because I hate it when people say that too.

But is it okay if I tell you that you're not alone? A lot of us face anxiety. I do, and it's hard. So hard that I finally went to the doctor for it.

Life may be good, amazing even, but that doesn't mean it's not overwhelming, stressful, and absolutely terrifying.

So just breathe, maybe take a break, and know that we love you Aunie.

xoxo,
Joelle

Emilie Bordeleau-Laroche said...

I really love your honesty and the way you write. I like that I can relate to you! I also hate when people say "keep your head up high, everything will be okay."
Here's my favourite "inspirational" quote in the world, just like you asked. Okay... 2
"You don't have a soul. You ARE a soul. You HAVE a body." -C.S. Lewis

And I can't help but add this one since you mentioned Harry Potter:

"Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light." -Albus Dumbledore

Lily said...

I relate to every single one of your posts. Honestly I love you and your blog! and since I'm not too good at being funny.... how about you check out a couple of my pinterest board instead;)

http://pinterest.com/asshepins/so-true/

http://pinterest.com/asshepins/funny/


Xoxoxo

Whitney H said...

I wish I could offer up some happy quotes, but I'm not much of a quote collector. I can say that I know where you're coming from. I might not be in the same exact situation, but earlier this week there was a lot of stress! You're definitely not alone, and you have tons of us thinking about you <3

Lissa said...

I love your honesty. I couldn't come up with a quote, but I wanted to tell you that I process stuff the same way so I can relate. I too won't ask for help, but I can share with you that my husband is like your Daniel and that he sees me at my worst but loves me at the best and I hope that your marriage and relationship will only grow stronger and more loving...counting the days for you!

Katie said...

You are not alone, girl. I have anxiety as well and I faced that in a big way during wedding planning. Like where I ended up having my dad plan the wedding reception himself for crying out loud! haha Sweet man he was/is. Anyway, just wanted you to know that others are/have been in the same boat and you are not alone.

Morgan said...

Thanks for being honest and vulnerable! I am going through a lot of great life changes too. And, even when they are so exciting and exactly what God wants, they can also be very overwhelming and bittersweet. It's ok to cry! I've done my fair share of that through my transition and I'm sure I'll continue throughout the rest of it! :) You are doing it right - going to God and asking for friends & family for prayer and accountability. I will also be praying for you! God Bless!

Lindsay @ Trial By Sapphire said...

*hug*

Also, here is my favorite quotation:
"You can't live a perfect day without doing something for someone who will never be able to repay you."
-- John Wooden

By writing your blog, you do things for people that they will only be able to repay for by continuing to read your blog. It's a cycle of honesty and inspiration.

I love you!

Leigh-Ellen said...

Happy sparkles are great if they make you happy but they're definitely not for glossing over real life. Planning a wedding is stressful and real and the emotions connected with it should be real. Why have a blog if you can't be real right? Who could possibly want that?

Oscar Wilde said so many fabulous things but I love "Be yourself; everyone else is already taken". Your friends, family and fiance are much happier with the worse-for-wear you than with a fake you.

Lauren said...

You know, this is one of several post I've read today that I needed to hear. I have been struggling too. And this last week has been full of anxiety. But I know I serve a mighty God. This is just a couple scriptures I've been meditating on.

"“I’m convinced: You can do anything and everything.Nothing and no one can upset your plans." Job 42:1 (Not even myself)

"1-2 I look up to the mountains;
does my strength come from mountains?
No, my strength comes from God,
who made heaven, and earth, and mountains.
3-4 He won’t let you stumble,
your Guardian God won’t fall asleep.
Not on your life! Israel’s
Guardian will never doze or sleep.
5-6 God’s your Guardian,
right at your side to protect you—
Shielding you from sunstroke,
sheltering you from moonstroke.
7-8 God guards you from every evil,
he guards your very life.
He guards you when you leave and when you return,
he guards you now, he guards you always." Psalms 121

Sorry for long comment... :) Praying for you. Pray for me :)

KatyK said...

This verse has gotten me through A LOT.

Joshua 1:9

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”

Marci said...

Welcome to my world every day. If only I had people who cared enough to pray for me.. maybe then I would find my purpose in life.

Baylee said...

Cheer up Charlie! Just kidding!!!
I have been feeling the same way lately. Alone but not alone, happy yet sad. Anxiety but fine. I hear you!!!!
And a joke: there was this really cool pickle.. he was kinda a big dill!
I know that joke sucks, but that's all I can think of right now.

Katie {katie lately} said...

So, I read your blog every single day and I never comment because I never really know what to say except that I love your writing, I feel like we are friends even though I've never introduced myself, just because I feel like we have similar hearts.

Yesterday, I had the day you are describing. And its such a similar time for me because I'm about to have a baby. And 2 weeks before our wedding, the same thing happened to me.. sadness.. anxiety... tears. And you're right, it WILL be ok, and you are happy and excited and your day will be perfect and you KNOW that but it's still ok to be overwhelmed/anxious.

Here's my favorite verses to cling to during these times:

28-30 “Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.” (That's the Message version)

Here is ESV:
28 Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

Also, thanks for always being so transparent and real. It is encouraging for people like me who are going through similar days!!

xoxoox

Stesha Jordan said...

Thank you for opening up today! I think we all go through these feelings, its important to have a good support system to help us out! Stay strong friend!

xxS

Stesha Jordan said...

Thank you for opening up today! I think we all go through these feelings, its important to have a good support system to help us out! Stay strong friend!

xxS

Cassie @ Live.Laugh.L0ve. said...

These posts where we get a glimpse into your heart are always my favorite. I get the chance to connect with you on such a heartfelt level! I am glad everything is fine & that you are okay & I completely agree - sometimes a good cry is just needed.

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain"

"It's okay not to be okay." - Jessie J

xoxo,
Cassie

http://www.livelaughl0veblog.com/

laura said...

Music sooths the soul!!!

Lyrics from You Never Let Go by Matt Redmen...

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I'm caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won't turn back
I know you are near

And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/m/matt_redman/you_never_let_go.html ]
(Chorus:)
Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me

And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We'll live to know You here on the earth

(Chorus)

Yes, I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
Still I will praise You, still I will praise You

Chelsea said...

Your posts are seriously the highlight of my day. I know how you are feeling and I can relate to so much of what you express through your writing. My inspirational quote for you would be what I call my "motto" --- Everything Happens For A Reason.
I believe this with all my heart. Hopefully that will give you a bit of hope. Keep smiling :-)

Hannah Scott said...

Here is my favorite quote about change, from a book I read a long time ago:

"Sometimes I felt the changes might indeed crush me, but a seed of grain planted into the earth must first die before it can bring forth fruit. That's what change does. It kills certain thing in us so that something new may grow. My hope has always been that the new growth will be better than what came before." -Judith Pella

I also love to read 2 Corinthians 12:9:

"My grace is sufficiant for thee, for My strength is made perfect in weakness."

Hope that helps!

Natalie | Mrs. Janney | said...

I got totally bummed and overwhelmed right before my wedding too. And it had nothing to do with getting married or my (now) husband because I knew that both were totally right for me (and that is the best decision I have ever made). But there is something about big life things than can be so overwhelming and sad, even when they are good things. New beginnings always mean something is ending. And it's ok to be sad about the ending.

I hope you start feeling better. I like that you didn't gloss over it with glitter. :)

jess said...

{hugs}

- Knock, knock?
- Who's there?
-[runs away]
...sorry, I got nothin'! I'm terrible at jokes!

Krysten @ Why Girls Are Weird said...

I hate when people tell me that everything will be okay, so I won't say that to you.

I think that big life changes, even GOOD ones, can be stressful. Even if it's not the actually change that's stressing you out it's just the idea that throws you for a loop.

*hugs*

Cassie Gant said...

FYI, this is NOT the happiest time of your life. That makes zero sense and I hate it when people say that. Being MARRIED is the happiest time of your life, not being engaged. Why would anyone actually get married if we were all happier being engaged? Get excited for the time to come which will be the happiest time of your life...MARRIAGE! :)

Raeven said...

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." - Romans 12:12 (one of my favorite verses)

"He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart." -Psalm 91:4

"The LORD your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you; he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." - Zephaniah 3:17

Those are just a couple of my favorite verses. They just remind me that no matter how I feel, God is right there with me and He won't ever leave.

hotmesscoolday said...

I completely understand what you're saying...I felt the same way. The last few weeks before my wedding were full of tears & then guilt over the tears and shame over the guilt because of the tears. And it was a giant neverending circle. I'm usually so ready with a motivational quote, but right now my mind is blank. I found this in my backlog of saved quotes though..."Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles." - Charlie Chaplin...bittersweet to the core.

If it matters, it's really helped me to read these posts and know I'm not alone. Thank you for sharing.

Sierra said...

I'm writing a post currently as I was reading this. Come read it...I link it back to you.
You'll understand once you've read it.

Rebecca said...

I love the honesty in this post, it's refreshing to read.
When I was going through a difficult time a friend told me the proverb "this too shall pass," now whenever I am struggling I think of that as I know it is true and it brings me some comfort, I hope it can bring you some too. Take gentle care.

quotationmarksetsy said...

This video is how I get through most of my life ;). It's gotten to the point where if I seem every a TINY bit frustrated or sad, my husband starts singing it. YOu have to listen :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7uUlOAyQsn4&feature=youtu.be

Farrell

amanda&graham said...

a) totally cool to feel like that

b) totally *cool* to write about it and NOT gloss it over with glitter

No quote. Just a *fist bump*

Sammantha said...

Oh goodness lady.

Well you already know everything is going to be fine, so that's good. And these days are going to fly by - I mean like REALLY fly by. Almost too fast.

I don't know exactly what is going on. If you're worried about the wedding, if there's just stuff in your relationship, stuff with work, your family, your faith - or maybe all of it! But just know this: A lot of stuff is going to go wrong. There is nothing you can do about that. It's not about not being scared. It's not about not having doubts. It's about what you do with those fears and those doubts. It's about how you handle it. Give it up to God, let him handle the heavy load because you and I both know that is what He is there for!

I love you, you know everything is going to be okay, so just calm yourself down. Get naked and drink tea in bed or something! :)

If you're worried about your wedding, like I said, a lot is going to go wrong, but at the end of the day you're going to be married, so just enjoy it!

And a joke: You're worried about nothing right now. (I promise you'll laugh later.)

xoxo,
Sammantha @ Dysfunctional Ever After.

Katie said...

I just love your blog. I can relate with you so much of the time and it helps me remember I am not the only one who is happy, but also struggles. And yes you are okay.

Chelsea Lennox said...

Totally with you on this. Sometimes we, as women, just need to bawl our eyes out to feel better. And that is more than okay. xoxo


and I had to laugh at the above comment of "get naked and drink tea in bed or something", GET WILD!!! :)

Rebekah said...

First of all, thank you for writing this Aunie. You're posts are so encouraging. Sometimes you write exactly what I'm thinking and feeling. Second, I'm not sure if this is appropriate for what you're feeling, but Psalms 8 and 139 always encourages me when I'm feeling down. And finally, I love to be able to read what is on your heart even if it isn't glittery. thank you.♥

Cat said...

You are totally allowed to feel pressured at the moment. And I think it's aleays okay to feel sad and happy at the same time.
And here is my quote for you:

"Probably that you're going to be eaten by a giant marshmallow or something," - Harry Potter

Not the most inspirational but seeing that happen wpuld make you laugh.

Kristen @ KV Confessions said...

I really think it's being female and just having this need to CRY every once in a while!! Seriously. With so much going on in life the stress gets to us and even though we really are fine, it's like a physical reaction. For example, the night before last I woke up at 2:30 AM and couldn't get back to sleep - my cousin recently died, and even though I barely knew her, I just thought about it a little too much and let the flood gates open. I woke my husband up and as he rubbed my back I let me out my real ugly cry for about 20 minutes. So ridiculous. Why can't we be like men and keep it all bottled inside? Oh yeah, ulcers. Those are bad. Plus the fact that we would go crazy. Just let it out girl - "keep calm and carry on!" (so played out I know but it actually applies in this situation so I thought I'd say it). I heart you my dear friend!! ((virtual hug))

Victoria said...

Now I feel bad! I'm pretty sure I left you a "cheer up, Charlie comment"....I hope I didn't, but if I did, I'm sorry!!! :)

Earlier this afternoon I was doing some reading. God shook me up with this verse from 1 Peter 5:7 "...Casting all your anxieties on Him, because He cares for you."

Check out that passage in 1 Peter 5. I cling to verses about being anxious, but somehow, this one has never been on the list.

Sarah said...

Psalm 63:8 is one of my go-to verses:
My soul clings to You. Your strong right hand holds me securely.

And Matthew 6:36:
Don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Rachel said...

Yeah--I just have to say--this time of your life is not necessarily the happiest. 2 years ago at this exact time, I was getting ready to get married...and it was kind of rough. I had breakdown point 4 days before our wedding...to the point where Angel was saying, "Okay...just don't break up with me today!"
And eventually you do get married and you do get used to marriage--so this time doesn't last forever, or even very long!

And I don't know any good jokes, but yesterday a client told me that ducks smoked quack and then proceeded to explain to me that 'quack' was supposed to be a wordplay on 'crack.' I just thought his explanation of the joke was funny--my lack of laughter when he told the joke must have made him think that I didn't get it. :P

Kristy said...

At least you came out of the closet. :)

Bad joke.

Proverbs 31.

Read it. Believe it in yourself. Know you can do all that He needs YOU to do.

Hugs.

Alesha said...

That happened to me today. Sitting there listening to a dear sister pour out her heart, thinking I was fine, telling myself that my struggles are nothing comparatively. And then SHE prayed for ME! And tears came. It was the kid of spirit led prayer that opened my heart to truth just listening. An God is so good o wake us up like that. Praise the Lord! He is so good to us. =) Praying for and praising with you dear sister!
Alesha <3

Jade Steckly said...

I've heard so much about your blog, but this is the first time I have actually visited. I'm sorry I haven't been here before...I love your honesty and great writing!
Jade

Lissy said...

I have been reading your blog for a while but have never commented. I love your honesty and the way you write. I feel like we would be friends in real life. I am a bit of a quote freak, so here are a couple for you:

Sometimes God calms the storm and sometimes He lets the storm rage and calms His child.

When life presents more challanges than you can handle, delegate to God. He not only HAS the answer, He IS the answer. ~Travis Smiley~

When life gets to hard to stand, kneel.

You are in my prayers Aunie. Sending you hugs! :)

Tammi said...

Aunie, wanted to point you to my favorite psalm. It's psalm 103! Praying for peace that surpasses all understanding for you today!

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