Monday, August 6, 2012

Fears


This past week I did a lot of thinking.
Maybe it was my insecurities talking to me,
but I think I just mostly had some thoughts.

I started thinking about some of my fears.
Some are really quite real.
Some are so insignificant that it is annoying.
And unfortunately, either way, they still bother me.

So, I thought, maybe if I get them out,
and just vent a little,
maybe I'll feel better, and not worry so much?

I don't mean to be a worrier.
Ever.
But I do.
Guilty as charged.

Some things I fear?
Here we go.

Swimming.
No, not just swimming.
I don't have a fear of water... unless Jaws is in town.
And it doesn't apply to just swimming. 
It's swimming/sweating/rubbing my face/floating the river/wearing NO makeup.
My fear is because of my trichotillomania.
It's the fear of swimming and having my brow powder get washed away.
I now have a nice, full set of eyelashes.
But my eyebrows are still quite sparse and I have to fill them in every day.
Even if I don't do a single other bit of makeup, I do my eyebrows.
To me, they don't look good if they're not filled in.
They look thin and patchy.
I'm honestly still embarrassed of them.
But I'm making a conscious effort to work on them every day.
I'm not even tweezing anymore in an effort to just leave them alone.
I go to auricular acupuncture once a week and now get my brows waxed.
Slowly and surely, I will be confident about my eyebrows again.
I know it sounds like such a silly thing.
But to me—it's not.

Driving.
In May, I got rear-ended on my way home from work.
I wasn't injured, and the damage was slight.
I was lucky enough to have a friendly guy who hit me and who was very quick to have his insurance cover my damages.
But now?
I get scared.
I don't like driving home on the freeway in Boise,
the Flying Wye to be specific.
It's a place where 3 portions of the freeway all merge into one, and at 5:15pm it's usually very busy.
I know that Boise is no Seattle or L.A.
But Boise is where I was hit.
This past Saturday, I was going through an automated car wash.
The lifted Jeep in front of me slammed on their brakes in the middle of the car wash
(you're NOT supposed to do that)
and they ended up on top of my hood.
Rubbing and cosmetic damage were the result.
Needless to say, the person took off.
I was in shock.
I didn't know what to do.
And at first, I didn't see any damage.
It wasn't until the next day that we noticed it.
So today I have to march right on down to the police department and file a claim.
This kind of stuff terrifies me.
Wrecks. Injuries. Driving. Confrontation.
I just don't love driving right now.

Losing Daniel. 
I think this is seeded deep within me and is something I just can't let go of.
I love him with all my heart.
To me, he is perfect.
I don't want to sound like a needy, obsessive girlfriend,
because it's not like that.
I think it has to do with my own past actions.
I never thought I would do what I once did to another person.
And while I know that Daniel would never, ever hurt me, I still get fearful.
It's at those times that I pray.
Not for him, because I know he loves me more than he ever knew he could love another person.
I pray for myself and for a clear conscious, to be less worrisome, and that I can stop letting the past creep back into my mind.
I just have so much love to share with him, and I can't imagine him never being by my side.
He's my best friend. Forever.

I know that none of these fears should even bother me.
Why do I lament something that isn't imminent?
That isn't going to happen?
That really needs to cause me no worry?

Because I'm me.
Fears and all.
On My Heart Posts

31 comments:

Alle said...

Hey, girl! I'm a relatively new reader, but just wanted to step out, delurkify myself and let you know a few things rolling around in my head after reading this post:

1. Thank you for being vulnerable and authentic - bloggers like you who share the nitty gritty of life give courage and hope to the rest of us, "real life" women.

2. I've been struggling with fear lately, too! I'm in the last couple months of my second pregnancy and my hormones are constantly shifting, leaving me with anxiety attacks and general freakin' out over...well, little things. I'm currently working hard to give all of this over to God...and Philippians 4:4-7 has become my mantra..."Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

3. Friend...I'm praying that verse for you today. I'm praying that when these fears crop up in your heart that God would bring this verse to mind and that He would remind You to come to Him...and just lay it all out for Him. And then, I'm praying that His peace will wash over you and guard your heart and mind!

Praying, sister!

The Students Wife said...

I don't drive very often so when I do, I drive fairly cautiously. I really enjoyed reading this post.. I can totally relate to what you have written!



www.studentswife.com

Lindsay @ Trial By Sapphire said...

It's a heavy-hearted Monday, but we're all just keeping it real. I couldn't even bring myself to post about it today, because I know I already committed to uncovering some serious stuff next month -- for a link-up, no less. WHAT WAS I THINKING.

But today, my heavy heart is hugging yours. :-)

amyeli33 said...

I never drive on Eagle road. Even my dad doesn't like it. And I understand what you mean about Daniel. I feel the same way about my boy friend.

amyeli33 said...

I never drive on Eagle road. Even my dad doesn't like it. And I understand what you mean about Daniel. I feel the same way about my boy friend.

Gesci said...

This is so raw- in a beautiful way. It really shows how your blog is your diary/therapy/personal journal, and I think your honesty will serve you so well in the long run- and I am thankful you let us learn and grow from it in the meantime.
*hug*

Elisha(: said...

Everyone has natural fears.. The best thing to do is to embrace them. <3

Shelby said...

This is why you are my favorite blogger ever. You are a real person, and I understand what you're feeling:)

Elisabeth @ La Vita e Bella said...

thanks for being so open and honest!

anika♥Lee said...

It's natural to worry about things that are not impending. I do it all the time and it's hard not to sometimes when you feel so deeply about things. Hang in there, girl. And you are so right - your fears are part of you, and they make up who you are. ♥a

Cynd said...

Thank you for sharing. I appreciate your honesty in this blog and I think it makes you an incredibly strong person for it. You are such an inspiration to me and I hope to be as open and honest as you are in my daily life. Your a beautiful soul!

Helen said...

I love you fears and all.

Kelly said...

It can be so hard to let go of our past. I know that from personal experience unfortunately. For so long even after J and I were married I wondered when the other shoe would drop. When he would realize that i wasn't good enough for him. He was the "good" one in the relationship and i'd much rather it be the other way around. Slowly God fades those for us and those bad things don't come back nearly as often.

Joanna said...

Hey!

I just recently started following you (im a brand new blogger) and I am really glad you posted this.

FIrst of all, you are beautiful.

Second of all, thanks for being so open! you're fears are legitimate and you are handling them perfectly ...with prayer

Jay said...

I'm a worrier. I try really hard not to be but I can't help it. It affects me health wise - stomach aches, headaches, fatigue, etc. I hope writing yours out helped a little!

Jamie said...

Great post girl! And your fears sound very legit to me. I have a huge fear of driving but we gotta do it! I refuse to go through a car wash for the same reason you just gave. I'm terrified someone will hit me or stop and I'll hit them. I'm afraid of lakes and rivers. I'm afraid of being home alone. It seems as though sometimes my fears control me and I hate that! Keep going on girl :)

<3 Jamie

Lauren said...

I just love this post. Mostly because I know everyone has fears but most of us keep them secret out of...well, fear. You inspire me. This is what drew me in to your blog a few months ago. I was taken away by how honest you were with your Trichotillomania and you inspire me.

xo
lauren

Cassie @ Live.Laugh.L0ve. said...

Beautiful post! I can relate to the driving & losing my hubs. Fears suck big time and I know we aren't suppose to be afraid and we are suppose to give it all to God.. but sometimes I don't see how it's not possible to be afraid. Thanks for sharing your fears. xoxo

Allyssa said...

Wow, thanks for such an honest post. One of my biggest fears is opening up and really sharing myself with the world, but this post has really inspired me!

Robin said...

I've nominated you for the Sunshine Award! Come by my blog to read more about it! :)

Robin

Julie said...

I'm a worrier as well. Anxiety, worrying, yep that's me. But I try not to let it bring me down.

I too used to be afraid of swimming for similar reasons. Mine of course being due to my hair. I was always concerned someone would see bald patches, etc. Now I am no so worried about it. I don't swim underwater too much so that alleviates a lot of the worrying.

Thanks for being so inspiring and open about yourself. :)

Julie

Whitney H said...

I know all too well how you feel. Just know you aren't alone and that we're all here for you. Anything having to do with driving terrifies me as well, since I've almost lost two family members to car wrecks in the past 6 years. It's not something I like to think about too much, and that's probably a good thing. If I did, I might not be able to function. Just know, I'm here for you!

Chelsea said...

Wow, this is a truly great post. It is really inspiring that you are able to openly talk about your fears. I can really to you best when you talk about driving. I was in an accident a few years ago and had such bad anxiety for about a YEAR because I was so scared. And that accident was just on a highway. I hope this post comforted you in just the right way that blogging does :-) That's why I love blogging!

this hive. said...

i just wanna give ya a huge hug

Danielle said...

I totally feel you on the driving thing. In September I was t-boned from a gal coming over a hill. She didn't see me in the interaction and went right on through at 45mph. Needless to say I was spun around, the airbags went off, and my car was totaled. I'm still driving but everytime I come across that intersection I get freaked out. Everytime I hear a weird noise from my car I think something's wrong with it.

I can't imagine what you've been through on the busy highways and hopefully we can both pull through this together!

amyeli33 said...

Annelisse- you inspired me to tell the truth about seeing you at church last week and not saying hi. I was kind of scared to because I met you online first. You said we should meet each other sometime though.

I struggle with weight and body image too. I used to exercise too much, but now I weigh almost 150 lbs like I did four years ago when I gained 25 lbs all of a sudden. I know I already posted earlier, but I thought I would post again.

Torie said...

I feel like your fears are my fears. I am the same way about losing Andrew - not necessarily because of what I've done in the past since he was my first real love, but because OF my past and things that happened there. I understand that fear wholeheartedly. It's even brought us to the brink of self-destruction before. And it's in those moments where my heart screams at me that I know I love this boy and he loves me and really that's all that should matter. I get you there girl, so thank you for speaking to MY heart! On a slightly less serious note - driving also terrifies me. Car crashes are just so sudden, usually unstoppable, and can be fatal. That's a legitimate fear.

Janna Renee said...

I totally know what you mean about losing Daniel, because I used to be afraid of losing Will. So afraid that I would try to push him away, so as to not get hurt. Luckily, he sat me down one day, and said that we were taking breaking up off the table and were just going to plan on being together for the rest of our lives. It made everything soo much better. We also traded promise rings to signify. Maybe you should try something like that? As for the eyebrows, I am still doing the Coconut oil application, and it seems to be working! I'm almost two months in, and they are slowly but surely filling in! I also put aloe during the day, but I think the coconut oil is making the biggest impact. Just know that you are GORGEOUS girl, and we are the sum of all parts...Mathematically- you add up to priceless! Hehe.

Jessica Day said...

I love you so much!

Your so inspiring and wonderful my dear Aunie friend!

Alesha said...

Praying for you Aunie! <3 Jesus will carry you.
Alesha <3
P.S. I'm afraid of backing up...especially in the dark. I've been on 2 accidents backing up in the dark, both 4 years ago and I'm still a by nervous. I think it's a healthy fear though...I hope.

Annie said...

"In this world you will have trouble," Jesus says, "but take heart, I have overcome the world!"

I don't exactly what Jesus meant by "trouble" here - I'm thinking he referred to testing of our faith - but fear is something that threatens faith, I think, so I've decided that applies. And I think it particularly does to your fear of losing Daniel.

I think fears are perfectly rational; this world is a hot mess and we see proof of that every day. But Jesus is here, whispering in the quiet moments that we can trust, if we lay it all down, if we drink of the water He provides. If we seek, we'll find - that's a promise, He makes it Himself.

I'll be praying for you, Aunie, praying for surrender. Because I know it's tough. I know it's tough to lay this all down at the foot of the cross and trust Jesus to handle it all. But I'm praying He gives you the strength to fight the battle to lay it at His feet in faith that He will see it all through for His glory and for your good.

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