Wednesday, July 25, 2012

50 Shades of Aunie

Every day I feel like I'm learning a little bit more about myself.

What makes me tick.
What I can improve.
What I'm good at (volleyball, apparently).
What I'm bad at (also volleyball, sometimes).
What I like and don't like.
How I feel about certain topics.
How my actions, opinions, and feelings affect others.
How I am affected by the actions and feelings of others.
Why I act in a certain way, or say certain things.
Why I have certain feelings.
Why I think the way I do.

And each day as I reflect back, the answer is so clear:
I'm not perfect.

In fact, it's more than that.
I'm not above anyone else.
I don't have golden standards.
I make mistakes.

And you know what?
All of that is OK.

How do I learn if I don't make mistakes?
Trust me, I make a lot of them.
Each. and. every. day.

What I work so hard to do is move on from those mistakes.
They are in the past.
I can't change them.
But I can learn from them and move forward.
Each day is a new day, why stew on them and lament the past?
I don't do that.
Not anymore, anyways.

But what I don't need?
I don't need to be reminded of those mistakes.
I don't need to be reminded of the past...
and the bad decisions I made.
Everything happens for a reason.
And everything I have done has brought me to where I am today.
And I am so proud of the person I am today.
I like me.
I like the changes I've made.
And as I said before, I'm always figuring out what to do better next time.

Yesterday I got called out for being "me."
In public.
In front of friends.
And then more privately, as I tried to go directly to the source.
I was reminded by this person of all that I've done wrong.
And like a ton of bricks, it dropped me.
Literally. To the ground.
If I am able to move forward, change by life, and try to be a better person,
why can't others just let it go?
I get it.
I messed up.
But that was over a year ago.
I have risen up from that old self.
I am NOT the same person.
And as I have said before, I am NOT perfect.

As I found myself broken and hurting yesterday,
I was reminded by my best friend that I don't need to be affected by this.
Every person is entitled to their own opinions.
They can think whatever they want.
For instance, if I don't want to love the book 50 Shades of Grey, I don't have to.
But my sister? She loved it. And that's totally fine.
In fact, I think that probably 50% of the female population is all about that book right now. And if that's what you like—then read it! It's OK!
If one of my closest, favorite, most awesome family members does not think I'm a good person,
that's OK, too.
And I need to learn and teach myself that I do not need to be hurt by their feelings.
As one of my friends pointed out yesterday, would life not be so boring if we all had the same opinions?

Is it weird to think about the whole
"sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can never hurt me" mantra?
For me, words can be hurtful...
but they don't need to be.
It takes a lot of strength to bear words that feel like swords,
slashing and breaking you down.
And while I don't have all of that strength quite yet,
I'm still learning, right?

So as I move forward,
still finding out more about myself each day,
I just need to remember to give thanks.
I expect to be doing a lot more learning every day... for the rest of my life.
And as often as I claim to be the girl of "not's,"
my greatest "not" of all is that I am NOT perfect.
Nor will I ever be, no matter how hard I try.
So instead, I'll just be me.
If you're with me, then praise you,
because sometimes, you'll have to deal with my garbage, my emotions, and my mistakes.
But it means more to me than you will ever know.

And to that best friend, the one who is always there and supportive, thank you...
Daniel, I don't know what I'd do without you.

So tell me—what are YOU learning about yourself? What's one of your 50 shades?

Aunie Sauce


Stesha said...

I am so happy you shared this, its beautiful! to do a little self reflection is always good!


Crystal said...

First off beautiful pictures! It is so hard to see everyone as an individual in such a society where we are tried to be made the same. I too struggle with these very types of things you are talking about. At the end of the day though you can only be you and that's the best thing to be no one else can be you. It is a constant discovery and a constant growth. We all make mistakes! It's part of being human. Words do hurt, sometimes worse than a fist ever could. Words cut deep and those scars sometimes never go away. It sounds like you are doing exactly what you can do though and that is being the best you can be. That's what matters!

Brandy said...

I swear, I think we are on the same self discovery path. Love this post.

Allyson McGuire said...

This is so relevant! We are not called to be held back by our past shortcomings. We just learned on Sunday that the Lord puts our sins behind his back, and we should be willing to do the same - for ourselves and others.

Niken said...

"because i'm not perfect" - you address it very well. thank you for sharing this. just what i need to hear

Jenna said...

I love this post! What a great reminder to embrace yourself despite what others think. And, also a great reminder to not hold the past against another person. It's easy to list off the wrongs someone did in the past, but it's so important to remind yourself that people have the capability to change. I'm guilty of doing that from time to time with the people I love the most. Thank you for reminding me :)

Melissa88Senick said...

No ones perfect. The past is the past for a reason. All you have is today. Stressing about the past won't do anything. Have to rejoice in today and the good in it. If others cannot move on, that's their problem, not yours. Keep your head up. :)

Chloe Innvaer said...

This was sooo perfect for me today miss Aunie! You are such an amazing person and do not let anyone tell you otherwise. Mistakes are for learning, and everything does happen for a reason, and look at you now?! I am a firm believer in learning and growing as a person everday, and you are doing just that. As you continue to learn and grow I hope that you do not let the negative affect you because you know the past, you know you are not perfect, but you know how to pick yourself up and be better everyday. That is the best thing you can do for yourself. What others do not realize is how hard it can be, and they do not realize the worth of self reflection, thus dweling on the past, especially the past of others.

Love you and thank you for sharing!

Sureye said...

So I have this quote by Theo Roosevelt on my desk at work because it's powerful, gives me chills and always lifts me up. I hope it lifts you up too.

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; because there is not effort without error and shortcomings; but who does actually strive to do the deed; who knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, who spends himself in a worthy cause, who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement and who at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly. So that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.”


anika♥Lee said...

Reflection is always powerful. And usually the most true. No one is perfect and no one should be treated or expected to be so. If everyone were perfect, ick... life would be so boring!!!! I am also working on not worrying so much about what others think. Everyone is entitled to their own feelings and ideas. It's still hard. I am learning and evolving what seems like every day these days. It's amazing. One of my 50 shades? I can't make decisions very easily. Annoying? yes, very. Me? Yes, very much.

Have a great day!!

PS. how do you have your sponsor buttons have NO Space in between them?? I have been trying to figure that out!

Anonymous said...

You know what this sounds like to me? Like that horrible person is jealous of the person that you have become and they wanted to bring you back down to the level that they are on. It's so sad that there are people in the world like that.

I think you are totally perfect, being imperfect! Who wants someone who makes no mistakes? Someone who always knows what is the right thing to do without even having to second guess or ask for an opinion. You have Daniel, he loves you for who you are and that is all that matters. Who cares what the people who have an agenda against you think? Let them be miserable and you carry of being Saucy and marvellous! :)

(Leonora :P x)

Jess said...

This is a great post. I have been learning lately that my self worth is not found in anyone else, they have no impact on it because my worth is found in Christ. That's always been really hard for me because I care so much what others think about me, but I've had to let it go. As long as I am a person that I am proud of, that honors God, and reflects well upon my family- I am doing something right.

Unknown said...

well written. i'm still working on fighting off words as well. not taking things personally is way harder than it looks.

i know many people who loved 50 shades of grey. i read one chapter and felt incredibly uncomfortable. but that's just me.

and yes... life would be terribly boring if we all thought the same thing. keep moving forward. you rock and i love your blog.

Anonymous said...

I am so glad you posted this! I was having a tough time yesterday after someone posted some not-so-nice things on my blog calling me out on a mistake I made. I was a little upset, but just remember that there is a whole community of people on here that are rooting for you! We all make mistakes, and there's no shame in that! Sending hugs your way!


Tanya said...

This is amazing Aunie, I'm so glad you shared! It is hard not to take another persons opinions or words offensively sometimes. I have recently had a very hard time dealing with a similar situation l with a good friend. It was so hard to accept that they may never see me for who I really am. Thank you for reminding me to just be ok that not everyone has to have the best opinion of me. That doesn't mean I should stop being myself.

Grace said...

Hey Aunie, you're amazing. Just thought I'd let you know.


Lisa @ MMT said...

Thanks for sharing this post! You are amazing! It's hard to brush off some of the mean things people say, but at the end of the day the only opinion that matters is yours. If you love yourself, then don't let anyone else bring you down. I can see the change in your heart through your blog, so if someone can't see that in person, then they just aren't looking hard enough!

Danielle said...

Aunie this was such a touching post. Like you said we're not all perfect. However, when people call us out on that they seem to forget that there have probably been times where they haven't been so perfect either. They wouldn't want to be called out on those specific times so they shouldn't be doing the same.

I also truly believe that everyone is entitled to their own opinion and it's okay for that to be different from your own opinion. However, if you don't have anything nice to say about it, then just don't speak. I find myself sometimes speaking too quickly and that's something I'm learning about myself.

Being perfect isn't everything because you'd have no mistakes to learn from and no life experiences to make you who you are today. Just be you, because girl you know we all love you dearly for it!

Marissa said...

I think sometimes we as women forget that when someone is coming down on us, the insecurities this person has. The undeniable vulnerability they're feeling. To heal themselves of that ache, its normal to "shed". But there is a way to do it gracefully & with class. It's very important for you to recognize these feelings in your heart because they are developing you into the kind of person you wish to be in this world. A wife, a mother if you choose, etc. So glad you wrote this post & had the heart to be graceful.


Anonymous said...

Yeah like what the heck! You don't need to be reminded. I had this one horrible "best friend" that I finally had to stop being friends with and it broke my heart because we were so "close". But all she did was brag, point out my wrongs, and just say mean things. It was a horrible relationship that I have had to let go and I got through it.

I really don't think I'd be who I am today, though, if I hadn't gone through that rough lesson.

A Little Piece of Me said...

You always seem to write something that is "me". I can relate to this because I feel although at times I don't know who I am, I find that I am very self aware in how I should be and what I am or am not doing. I take things personally and yet I have such compassion for others and give them the benefit of the doubt. I love the quote up there ^^. It's so true, no one can judge or know who you really are. They do not walk in your shoes, know what you are feeling, or what you have experienced. Only you and God alone can know your intentions and your heart. As humans we are quick to assume and to judge but no one knows. Thank you for sharing this. Hang in there, you are amazing and are handling yourself very well. xoxo

Jade Sierra said...

Love this post more than words can say. None of us are perfect & we all make mistakes. As long as you can recognize that & change that in the future then that is fabulous. It's a part of life! Learning from our mistakes helps us to grow as a person. Chin up, girl! Be your OWN kind of beautiful. :)

Lindsay @ Trial By Sapphire said...

I've definitely learned that sometimes the thing holding me back is another person. That's not to say that two people can't be friends anymore, but the relationship will take new form.

Janna Renee said...

Those pictures are so intriguing! I love the "50 Shades" esqueness....yes, I know that's not a word. Hehe. I've learned a TON of stuff this year. Between blogging and being "alone" for the last 5 months, I've had some great time to reflect.

Amanda said...

You are a gem, Aunie. I think it is so sad for people to feel the need to publicly call someone out for making mistakes. You dealt with it beautifully.